In Episode 262, Mark & Steve examine the pervasive issue of defensiveness in relationships, particularly in the context of porn/sex addiction and betrayal trauma. They explain how defensiveness arises from fear, shame, and unresolved trauma, creating cycles of conflict that block emotional connection. The betrayed partner’s reactions, often rooted in pain and self-preservation, can trigger defensive responses in the addict in recovery, escalating the divide. By shifting focus from being “right” to fostering empathy and understanding, couples can begin to dismantle these destructive patterns and move toward healing.

The episode emphasizes the profound impact of betrayal on trust, illustrating how it disrupts safety and rewires the brain’s survival mechanisms. Both partners must navigate their trauma responses with patience and compassion. Practical strategies such as practicing empathy, authenticity, and curiosity are highlighted as tools to transform conflict into opportunities for connection. Breaking free from defensive cycles requires intentional effort to understand each partner’s perspective and address the root causes of their pain.

The episode concludes by framing recovery as a collaborative effort, requiring commitment and support. Tools like therapy, support groups, and programs like Dare to Connect can help couples rebuild trust and create deeper intimacy. While the journey is challenging, it underscores the potential for relationships to thrive when defensiveness is replaced with genuine understanding and connection.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: Defensiveness is KILLING Our Relationship—What Do We DO?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 261, Mark & Steve discuss how porn and sex addicts often face tremendous challenges with honesty due to a combination of shame, fear, and deeply ingrained survival mechanisms. These barriers drive dishonesty, which erodes trust, isolates the addict, and prevents authentic connection. Partners, in turn, feel the sting of ongoing deceit even more deeply than the betrayal of the addictive behavior itself, leaving relationships fractured and intimacy impossible. The podcast highlights that dishonesty doesn’t protect addicts or their loved ones—it isolates and destroys, creating cycles that are hard to escape.

The journey to honesty begins with small steps, like admitting minor mistakes or practicing daily truth-telling. Developing self-worth through self-care, journaling, and reframing honesty as empowering rather than threatening is crucial. Accountability, both through trusted relationships and support networks, provides the necessary structure for this transformation. By addressing their fears and embracing transparency, addicts can break free from the isolating grip of dishonesty and start rebuilding their lives.

Ultimately, honesty at all costs is the only path to true healing and connection. While the journey is difficult and requires vulnerability, it leads to greater self-acceptance, repaired relationships, and lasting recovery. Mark and Steve emphasize that honesty is not about perfection but about progress, and it offers a gateway to personal freedom and authentic living.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: Why Do Addicts Have Such a HARD Time Being HONEST?! How Can We DARE to Tell the TRUTH AT ALL COSTS?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

Episode 260 explores the emotional challenges faced by partners of individuals struggling with addiction, focusing on reclaiming happiness and self-worth despite the heartbreak of repeated relapses. It begins by addressing the toll betrayal takes on trust and identity, emphasizing the need for partners to step away from old coping mechanisms and prioritize their emotional well-being. The concept of radical acceptance is introduced as a transformative tool, helping partners embrace the reality of their situation without blame or denial while focusing on areas where they have control.

The importance of boundaries is central to this discussion, with practical examples on how to create and uphold boundaries that protect emotional health and align with personal values. The article highlights the significance of self-compassion, engaging in fulfilling activities, and seeking supportive communities or professional help to rebuild resilience and self-worth. Betrayed partners are encouraged to rewrite their narrative, shifting from victimhood to empowerment.

Finally, the article underscores that happiness is a self-driven journey independent of an addicted partner's choices. By taking ownership of their happiness, partners can create a foundation for strength and stability while pursuing dreams and aspirations that reignite a sense of purpose. It is a call to action for partners to step into their power, build a fulfilling life, and embrace healing as a possibility.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "How Do I Get to Find Happiness Again When My Addict Partner Keeps Relapsing? How can I be OK, No Matter What?"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

The inspiration for Episode 259 comes from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote:

"It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months. Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration for how this would make me feel.

This has been a common theme in our marriage. I have so much compassion for how he got here, but it doesn't seem to go both ways. His sobriety is there, but the selfishness and entitlement don’t seem to be shifting. I’ve asked for an in-home separation because I can't keep living like this. How can I get him to understand how much this hurts?"

These words hit home for so many couples navigating recovery. Sobriety may be present, but without consideration—the conscious choice to think about your partner’s feelings and anticipate their emotional needs—the pain lingers.

Consideration is a vital element in the recovery and healing process, going beyond sobriety to rebuild trust and foster emotional safety. It requires intentional, proactive efforts to understand and empathize with a partner's emotional world, especially in the context of betrayal trauma. Through actions that reflect care and awareness, such as pausing to think about how decisions may impact a partner, consideration demonstrates that their feelings matter. This practice bridges the gap between sobriety and intimacy, as shown in the story of a husband whose thoughtful choice to prioritize his wife's emotional safety became a turning point in their marriage.

Despite its importance, practicing consideration is challenging due to significant barriers. Addicts often struggle with emotional awareness, fear of vulnerability, and habits of selfishness rooted in their addiction, while betrayed partners face fears of being hurt again, hypervigilance, and difficulty trusting changes. Both partners may also lack healthy examples of consideration from their past, making it harder to implement. Overcoming these barriers requires consistent effort, including pausing to reflect, validating a partner’s feelings, and taking proactive actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness and care.

When practiced consistently, consideration transforms relationships by fostering trust, collaboration, and emotional connection. It allows betrayed partners to feel valued and chosen, while helping addicts break free from selfish patterns and grow emotionally. This practice turns recovery into a shared journey, where both partners link arms and work together to create a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Programs like Dare to Connect offer tools and guidance to integrate consideration into daily life, enabling couples to experience the profound healing it can bring.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "The-powerful-potential-of-consideration-in-recovery-the-betrayal-trauma-healing-process"

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In relationships and personal growth, conflicts often become fixated on facts—what happened, what didn’t, and who’s to blame—while neglecting the deeper emotional needs driving these disputes. Facts feel safer and easier to articulate, offering a shield against vulnerability. However, this focus on logistics often leads to surface-level arguments that fail to address the real issues, leaving partners feeling misunderstood and disconnected. Beneath every disagreement lies an unmet emotional need, such as feeling valued, prioritized, or connected, but these underlying truths are often buried beneath layers of factual disputes and miscommunication.

The article highlights the importance of shifting focus from facts to feelings, using real-life examples to illustrate how emotional vulnerability can transform relationships. For instance, a husband in recovery who paused to consider his wife’s emotional needs before engaging in a triggering behavior created a breakthrough moment of connection. This act of prioritizing her feelings over rigid boundaries allowed the couple to address the core issues driving their conflicts, building trust and intimacy. Balancing facts with feelings requires practical strategies such as leading with vulnerability, setting clear discussion boundaries, and reframing conflicts as opportunities for growth.

Ultimately, the article urges individuals and couples to fight the “right war” by connecting with their emotions and communicating with intentionality. Pausing to ask what’s truly at stake in a conflict helps avoid getting lost in the “fog of war” and ensures that both partners address the underlying needs behind their disputes. By integrating self-awareness, emotional honesty, and vulnerability into their interactions, couples can build stronger, more meaningful relationships where trust and connection thrive.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Are You Fighting the Right War: Working Within the Facts, but NOT at the Cost of Connecting with the Feelings?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 257, Mark & Steve respond to submissions by two different partners in betrayal trauma healing. Navigating the complexities of philias, fetishes, and taboo behaviors in the context of addiction and recovery can be challenging for both addicts and their partners. These behaviors often stem from factors such as exposure to pornography, trauma, or unique life experiences that shape an individual’s arousal template over time. The escalation of pornography use into increasingly taboo behaviors can reinforce unhealthy patterns, particularly when paired with masturbatory conditioning. Understanding these influences and their impact on the relationship is essential to determining whether such behaviors are healthy or detrimental.

Key to this understanding is evaluating how these behaviors affect vulnerability, respect, safety, authenticity, and connection within the relationship. Healthy sexual behaviors strengthen intimacy, trust, and presence, fostering deeper emotional and physical connection. In contrast, addiction-driven behaviors often disconnect individuals from reality and their partners. Open communication, free from judgment, is crucial to exploring these issues. Partners must feel empowered to express their fears, boundaries, and preferences, ensuring that mutual respect and alignment with personal values remain at the core of the relationship.

For couples facing these challenges, solutions include honest dialogue, professional guidance, and, if needed, a sexual “reset” to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy. By reflecting on the impact of these behaviors and committing to shared growth, couples can redefine their relationship in ways that align with their authentic selves. While the process can be difficult, it offers the opportunity to deepen connection, foster healing, and move forward in recovery with greater empowerment and understanding.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Addict Partner has Certain Philias, Fetishes & Taboo Behaviors. What is the Impact of this on His Recovery & Our Relationship?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 256, Mark & Steve talk raw and real to the partners of porn/sex addicts whose authentic voices have been "silenced." Silence often becomes a way of life for partners of sex addicts, rooted in past experiences, family dynamics, and cultural norms that discourage authentic self-expression. Many learn early on that their needs don’t matter or that speaking up leads to rejection or conflict. This pattern is exacerbated in relationships with addicts, where manipulation, gaslighting, or neglect make it feel safer to remain quiet. While silence may seem like a survival tactic, it comes at a steep cost—fueling anger and resentment, diminishing self-worth, and preventing relationships from evolving into deeper, more authentic connections. Over time, these suppressed emotions and unmet needs create disconnection and imbalance, leaving partners feeling isolated and unfulfilled.

Breaking free from silence requires partners to reconnect with their self-worth and recognize that their value is independent of others’ validation. Practicing self-advocacy, even in small ways, is crucial to rebuilding confidence and learning to express needs and boundaries. Establishing boundaries protects emotional well-being and helps partners reclaim their voice in a healthy way. While fear of rejection is a common barrier, it’s important to remember that relationships worth keeping are those where both partners can express themselves honestly and be heard without fear of judgment or invalidation.

Rediscovering your voice is not just about speaking up—it’s about reclaiming your identity and creating a life of authenticity and empowerment. This process may require support from safe spaces like therapy, support groups, or trusted friends. As partners practice authentic communication and challenge fears, they foster deeper connections with themselves and their loved ones. Ultimately, relationships where both individuals can express their true selves are healthier, more fulfilling, and sustainable. By finding your voice, you take the first step toward building a life rooted in respect, mutual growth, and healing.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "Why Do I Go Silent As the Partner of a Sex Addict, and How Do I Healthily Break Free of This?"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 255, we talk about one of the most common stories we hear: a partner stuck in the rinse-and-repeat cycle of addiction and betrayal, trying desperately to keep the relationship afloat. We received an emotional, raw submission from a listener—“Heartbroken and Exhausted Wife”—who articulated her pain, frustration, and fatigue so clearly that her words resonate as a voice for countless others in similar situations.

Her journey reflects years of enduring her husband’s addiction to pornography and sexual behaviors. Over their 23-year marriage, the cycle has repeated itself again and again: discovery, apologies, promises of change, followed by a temporary calm before everything falls apart once more. This pattern isn’t just exhausting—it’s soul-crushing. It leaves partners wondering how much more they can give before they’re completely depleted.

The heartbreaking truth is that no matter how much love exists in a relationship, trust and safety are essential. Without these, even the strongest bonds begin to erode. Her love for her husband hasn’t waned, but her ability to trust him has been battered by broken promises and actions that don’t align with his words. It’s no wonder she’s reached a point of despair, questioning how to move forward.

For those of us who have lived through addiction—on both sides—it’s painfully clear how this happens. Addiction thrives in cycles. For the addict, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of avoidance, short-term fixes, and empty promises. For the partner, it’s easy to become consumed by the effort to keep things together. But unless the cycle is broken, both people remain trapped in their own version of suffering.

In this episode, Mark & Steve get deep and personal in offering empathy and solutions for betrayed partners. They also talk directly to porn/sex addicts about what "real" recovery looks like. And why there is great HOPE for couples who find themselves in this deeply difficult place.


For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: "My Partner Relapses, Says He's Sorry, Does Better for a Time, Then the Whole Cycle Starts Again!"


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services