Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?

[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.

[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.

[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.

[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?

[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.

[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.

[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”

[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?

[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.

[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?

[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?

[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”

• “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”

• “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”

• “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”

• “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?

[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.

[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.

[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.

[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.

[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.

[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.

[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.

[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.

[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.

[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?

[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?

[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.

[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”

• “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”

• “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”

• “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail.

[2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren’t).

[4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner.

[6:28] ‘Thinking’ boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts.

[12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling’ boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward.

[15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react.

[20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors.

[27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details.

[31:40] The best place to start is with yourself.

[36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential.

[37:15] My partner doesn’t even know what they’re feeling. Where do we start?

[44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what?

[47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery?

[52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here?

[56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.”

• “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.”

• “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.”

• “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”

Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness?

[6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness?

[10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy?

[13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate?

[19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom?

[27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn’t change an addict, will anything?

[28:00] How much of my husband’s acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use?

[32:45] My cheating spouse hasn’t had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed?

[36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago?

[43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in?

[47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner?

[53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Forgiveness is like grief. It’s a long and rolling process.”

• “Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It’s one of the highest forms of vulnerability.”

• “If you, your relationship, and your children weren’t important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough.”

• “If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last.”

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.

TAKEAWAYS:

[3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology.

[4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage.

[6:41] Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the first step, then asking ‘How can I help?’”

[12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you’re not doing it right.

[15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently.

[18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt.

[22:05] The danger of a forced apology.

[24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation.

[27:27] How can I proceed when the people I’ve hurt refuse to talk to me?

[33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners?

[37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity.

[38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you’re going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you’re going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair.”

• “Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology.”

• “I ended up listening and paying attention, and that’s the power of saying ‘I’m sorry’.”

• “Be careful not to hold your ‘I’m sorry’ hostage or make it conditional. If you’re doing that, then you are the problem.”

• “We’re misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix.”

• “We never know where our person’s breaking point is and we can’t be the one to define that.”

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs?

[03:51] Any tips for practicing rigorous honesty?

[9:00] Slow down and just tell the truth.

[11:00] Are betrayed spouses perturbed when partners start changing?

[15:26] Honoring your boundaries when your partner is picking a fight.

[19:08] Is it okay to focus on my own steps as well as my partner’s at the same time?

[24:20] Part of recovery is developing interests that are not sex-related.

[26:00] How can we rebuild trust when the initial disclosure was dishonest?

[30:45] How can I stop obsessing over whether my partner is being honest?

[35:08] My affair partner won’t leave me alone, what kind of individual help is available to me?

[38:49] I’m the former affair partner, now he’s cheating on me.

[42:43] I’m so hurt. Is righteous victimhood a justified option?

[49:12] How can more privacy be a good option in recovery when there is no integrity?

[54:16] Prioritizing the 12 steps is prioritizing your spouse.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “The problem isn’t in all the stuff that’s out there, the problem is within us.”

• “Tell the truth and tell it faster.”

• “We don’t tell the truth for other people. We tell it for ourselves.”

• “You can’t fix your partner. You can only work on you and how you show up.”

• “Disclosure is a tool. It’s not the end point.”

• “You don’t want to do the things that have been done to you. You need support and healing so you can be at peace with what’s happened.”

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave.

[6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving.

[10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay?

[11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health?

[13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress?

[15:50] What does your support network look like?

[18:46] What is your financial situation?

[19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship?

[20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals?

[22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions?

[24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship?

[27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go.

[33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together?

[38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done?

[43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids?

[49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.”

• “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?”

• “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.”

• “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?”

• “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices.”

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template?

[4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type’. This isn’t about you, it’s about the broken person that is hurting you.

[6:51] It’s been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles.

[10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now.

[17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again?

[22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication.

[26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out.

[29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery?

[38:39] I’m open to reconciling, but he’s accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation?

[44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change.

[45:55] Why is my partner’s sex persona online nothing like his real life personality?

[50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don’t act on.”

• “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.”

• “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.”

• “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.”

• “You don’t get a gold star for not doing what you weren’t supposed to do in the first place.”

• “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.”