On this Seeking Integrity webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses therapeutic separation as an effective intervention for couples struggling with the impact of betrayal and addiction. She highlights the structure of therapeutic separation as a compassionate approach to help both individuals regain safety, clarity and hope in the relationship. She and Tami then answer participant questions about therapeutic separation, when it's the right next move, and what to do when it didn't resolve your relationship issues.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:55] The possibilities with therapeutic or healing separation.

[2:07] Common scenarios in couples dealing with betrayal.

[3:00] Is therapeutic separation right for my relationship?

[6:04] The purpose and plan of therapeutic separation.

[10:34] Realistic separation timelines and action plans.

[17:47] Addressing common therapeutic separation fears.

[24:57] Managing the message to others.

[29:45] What to do when you're stuck.

[32:11] The importance of regular therapist check ins.

[36:32] How does therapeutic separation end?

[40:16] What is the difference between sobriety and recovery?

[47:54] My partner is gaslighting me. Would in-home separation help?

[52:19] How do I know if my partner is really doing the work?

[57:08] Therapeutic separation didn't work. How do I move forward?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "Therapeutic separation aims at creating stability, safety, and gives each individual time to gain insights."

• "As you define clear goals and understand the purpose of therapeutic separation, it becomes a roadmap for healing."

• "In therapeutic separation, both partners are fully committed to doing their recovery work."

• "All of this is scary, but the scariest thing is staying stuck."

Dr. Jessica Lamar, Licensed Mental Health Therapist, explores unseen wounds and understanding disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma. What is disenfranchised grief, and why does it matter? Dr. Lamar overs betrayal trauma, emotional and psychological impact, healing, and support strategies. She and Tami then answer participant questions about grief and boundaries, conversations and resources that are available to help navigate grief.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Intro.

[2:58] Defining ambiguous loss – am I even in grief?

[4:40] Disenfranchised grief is a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially validated or publicly mourned.

[6:02] Examples of disenfranchised grief as it relates to betrayal trauma.

[11:30] Ambiguous losses that are associated with betrayal trauma.

[13:56] When betrayal occurs, the resulting grief is often disenfranchised.

[15:47] Statements that are commonly heard in disenfranchised grief.

[18:36] The psychological and emotional impact of disenfranchised grief.

[24:12] Strategies for empowering ourselves after loss.

[27:34] Common ways we invalidate grief after betrayal.

[29:45] How can I validate myself in my grief?

[37:04] Interventions to help navigate disenfranchised grief.

[41:35] What resources are available to better understand and process grief.

[44:20] What dialog can we use to better communicate with extended family members who will not allow space for grief?

[47:35] How can I navigate anticipatory grief when I don't know what is actually going to happen?

[48:55] How can I ever start dating again after betrayal?

[50:49] What if the person who feels unsafe to me is a therapist?

[52:28] What is appropriate to say to our adult children?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "When a loss isn't socially recognized, the grieving process can be isolating and difficult to navigate."

• "The lack of validation can make the pain even more isolating."

• "When we are alone with our betrayal trauma and our grief, we can start to invalidate our own feelings."

• "Navigating disenfranchised grief and betrayal trauma requires real, intentional effort to heal."

• "No one has the right to tell people what is or isn't a loss."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Eddie Capparucci addresses the struggle of many men to show empathy, especially those who have dealt with childhood trauma and emotional neglect. He warns of the dangers of labels and offers insights into the biological and neurological factors that affect empathy. Then he and Tami answer participant questions about empathy in relationships, with strangers, and in and out of the home.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The link between problematic sexual behaviors and a lack of empathy.

[3:00] Empathy is learned in childhood.

[7:18] When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down.

[8:46] The biological component of empathy.

[12:23] Timing plays a critical role in the development of empathy.

[15:07] Healing the brain and cultivating empathy.

[24:07] Emotionally cold or emotionally dysregulated?

[28:45] Why is my spouse empathetic with everyone except me?

[33:09] Why do I seek stranger validation more than closeness with my partner?

[35:35] My husband had plenty of empathy when courting me. What happened?

[40:50] The neurological danger of viewing porn.

[41:22] Lack of empathy or autism spectrum?

[45:38] Where to find the feelings wheel.

[46:48] Why is it easier to be empathetic with someone who's upset with someone else than someone who is upset with me?

[49:41] Can these same principles apply to women?

[52:00] How will we know when we are ready for couples work?

[55:10] My husband feels judged when I ask him to be accountable.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "When men don't know how to deal with emotions, they shut down."

● "Trauma and emotional neglect do not damage every child's empathy circuit in the same way."

● "The brain can heal and empathy can be cultivated."

● "Emotional regulation is recovery."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Scott Brassart discusses resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for both addicts and betrayed partners. He and Tami then answer participant questions about handling triggers, understanding big emotions, and addressing supercharged manifestations of shame.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] Resilience and healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.

[3:16] 5 practices to build resilience, from happiness to obstacle immunity and staying present.

[11:20] Tools that can help with building resilience.

[15:30] The 3-second rule for sex addicts.

[19:30] The key difference between happy people and the rest of us.

[28:50] Handling triggers like kindergarteners handle fire drills.

[35:00] Understanding the emotions beneath the anger.

[44:01] Blaming others is the easiest form of denial.

[48:32] Manifestations of shame.

[54:00] Good things can happen if you're willing to do the work.

[55:39] How can I address my supercharged emotions?

[1:00:41] Stop problematic behavior, then address the underlying issues.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "Resilience is not a tool we are born with, it's a skill we can learn."

● "Of all the tools I've given you, gratitude is the most powerful."

● "Healthy coping skills and resiliency are inextricably linked."

● "Practice using these tools when you're safe, use them when you're not."

● "Big emotions rarely address the underlying emotion."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about cheating, betrayal, sex and more. They address recovery, disclosure, and setting healthy boundaries throughout the recovery process, and offer a realistic timeline for partners to move from betrayal to intimacy and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My wife is using my body for sex. Is this just a libido mismatch?

[9:30] Setting boundaries after hearing sex threats.

[12:09] My partner and I are doing everything right. When will the next chapter start?

[18:15] A little about Dr. Rob's books and his editor Scott.

[22:30] Is formal disclosure really necessary?

[25:51] How do we navigate the balance between romantic and sexual connection with the need for space and individual healing?

[28:18] Distinguishing between sexual entitlement and the need for validation.

[34:20] How does ADHD impact betrayal and recovery?

[37:08] My husband doesn't want to label himself as a sex addict. Now what?

[45:37] How can I forgive and move on for my child while still navigating grief?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "There is no difference between a sex addict and someone who uses sex to self-regulate."

● "In recovery, you're learning to live life on a completely different plane than you did before."

● "If you want to learn and keep moving forward, you will."

● "You cannot make your partner do anything they don't want to do."

● "Forgiveness is something I do for myself."

On this Seeking Integrity webinar, Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith, and Joanna Raabsmith present "Building True Intimacy: A Roadmap to Relational Restoration After Sexual Betrayal." Together they consider how couples can effectively and efficiently move from betrayal and discovery to healing and connection, based on their book Building True Intimacy. They then answer participant questions about recovery, disclosure, and lasting healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Introducing Dan Drake, Matthew Raabsmith and Joanna Raabsmith.

[3:23] How do couples heal after betrayal and disclosure?

[5:30] Five key components to restoring intimacy, starting with awareness, authenticity and assertiveness.

[9:16] The power of a foundation of honesty and safety.

[17:32] Regulation and relational safety must be prioritized by the betrayer.

[20:30] Stepping into trust and commitment following betrayed.

[27:13] The value of inviting trusted people into your healing journey.

[31:10] The hallmarks of empathy and vulnerability.

[35:10] Creating community with other betrayed couples.

[36:28] Reintroducing intimacy after betrayal.

[44:55] When does a couple start to feel like they are on the same team?

[49:24] The V.A.S.E. framework.

[51:30] How can the betrayed partner move toward trust after regression?

[56:08] My partner wants to move along without rebuilding. How can we heal?

[58:48] Can we successfully recover without disclosure or restoration?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

● "Am I aware of the direction I'm heading based on the choices I'm making every day in my life?"

● "When I say my values are one thing and I live my life in a different way, I am not showing up authentically."

● "If we don't have a foundation of honesty, we don't have anything to build on."

● "The ability to be present will move us back into the partnership phase of the next level of healing."

● "You have to have vulnerability if you're going to rebuild intimacy in a relationship."

● "What kind of recovery do you want in your life whether or not your marriage makes it?"

Licensed marriage and family therapist Kristin Snowden discusses carried shame and the danger of absorbing a betraying partner's shame-filled life. She offers hope and tools for resiliency so that a betrayed partner can move through their own healing and get their lives and self-worth back again. She and Tami then answer participant questions about shame, addiction, and healing.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] Understanding the terms associated with trauma healing, addiction recovery, and carried shame.

[4:37] The importance of knowing your own shame stories.

[5:20] Defining carried shame in a betrayed partner.

[9:36] Every human being experiences shame and guilt.

[14:27] Why do we experience shame?

[18:04] The role of shame in the addiction cycle.

[20:30] The 4 basic shame-filled stories that addicts operate out of.

[26:35] How does carried shame occur?

[38:48] How does carried shame manifest in the betrayed partner?

[39:35] How can carried shame be healed?

[46:19] D-Day was yesterday. What's next?

[48:03] How can I prepare for disclosure as a betrayed partner?

[51:43] How can my wife live with an addict like me?

[57:35] Why is my partner so incredibly defensive and derogatory toward me?

[1:00:00] How can I accept the fact that I may be in a carried shame relationship?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "As part of your healing journey, it's necessary that you really get to know what your shame stories are."

• "Shame has good intentions, but it only drenches you with a painful experience."

• "Shame is a powerful, contagious emotion."

• "Shame lives in the non-language part of your brain. The more you talk about it, the more you can recognize distorted thinking around it."

• "Shame does not get sorted out in an isolated way."

Angela Spearman, CSAT describes "globalized mistrust" as the tsunami of impact on betrayed partners after discovery. But what are the core thoughts and fears underlying and maintaining that tsunami once it gets going? Together with Tami she addresses strategies for dealing with uncertainty, then answers participant questions about betrayal, boundaries, and triggers and more.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:09] The catalyst for the existential experience and global mistrust.

[5:20] Common questions from the betrayed partner (and what they really mean).

[7:27] Reshaping existential questions to encourage healing.

[11:10] The negative impact of rigid thinking.

[17:45] Complex and overwhelming realities in the world.

[21:00] Flexible thinking as a strategy for hope against cynicism.

[25:32] 3-step strategy for dealing with uncertainty.

[32:17] Processing the things you can't control.

[36:40] I'm spiraling through my shame and I can't support my wife either. Now what?

[42:18] How can I convey my boundaries to my partner?

[47:16] Why did my husband act out in the first place?

[51:26] How can I support my betrayed partner when she no longer wants my support?

[53:29] How do I navigate communication issues due to trauma?

[55:47] Why would I ever rebuild a relationship with someone so despicable?

[59:03] Is my recovery work creating more triggers?

[1:01:08] How does one get the betrayer to stop playing the victim?

[1:04:01] How can I move past feelings of injustice of stolen time and feeling used?

[1:06:28] How do I protect myself from being reinjured until I decide whether to leave?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• "In any type of crisis that you go through, you're going to start asking some of these existential questions."

• "We start with a fact and then start forming beliefs and expectations based on things we've experienced in the past."

• "When we stop and pay attention to what our thoughts really look like, it can help us feel more empowered."

• "Hope is energizing. It empowers you."

• "There may never be a good enough answer."