Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?

[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.

[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.

[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.

[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?

[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.

[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.

[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”

[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?

[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.

[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?

[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?

[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”

• “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”

• “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”

• “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”

• “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?

[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.

[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.

[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.

[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.

[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.

[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.

[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.

[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.

[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.

[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?

[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?

[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.

[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”

• “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”

• “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”

• “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail.

[2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren’t).

[4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner.

[6:28] ‘Thinking’ boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts.

[12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling’ boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward.

[15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react.

[20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors.

[27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details.

[31:40] The best place to start is with yourself.

[36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential.

[37:15] My partner doesn’t even know what they’re feeling. Where do we start?

[44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what?

[47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery?

[52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here?

[56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.”

• “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.”

• “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.”

• “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”