REBROADCAST

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.

Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.
Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?
Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.

If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.

Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.
We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at podcast@highconflictinstitute.com or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

• Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
• Article – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’
• Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’
• Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
• Online course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement
• Online Course: Who Are High Conflict People?
• Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
• Book: Calming Upset People with EAR
• All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:41 - What is a High Conflict Person?
• 05:28 - Why and How are HCPs Different?
• 08:48 - Why Are They Like This and Why Don't They Change?
• 12:43 - Why They Blame
• 15:24 - How to Deal With HCPs
• 20:16 - Getting Hooked
• 24:09 - Breaking Down Megan's Story
• 27:44 - Using EAR Statements
• 32:13 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: BIFF Response

Personality disorders are widespread but not always seen as a mental disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association indicates that over 10% of adults have such a disorder, based on studies from several countries.

These are huge numbers, yet few people know much about personality disorders and many do not see them as a mental disorder. Information found online is often misleading. Ultimately, many people simply get angry with those with personality disorders, believing that they are just being difficult on purpose and can control their behavior. Likewise, judges generally do not consider them a factor in making legal decisions, because they are considered to know right from wrong. However, these views may be changing.

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

• what is considered a mental illness or disorder
• how personality disorders are different from other types of mental illnesses
• whether personality disorders are a form of mental illness at all, or something more normal
• the link between personality disorders and important cases, including the Elizabeth Smart case and Unabomber case
• personality disorders receiving increased awareness in the courts, including an Australian case regarding borderline personality disorder and a California study indicating the presence of narcissistic personality disorder in family court cases

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

• High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
• Managing High Conflict People in Court

ARTICLES

• Personality Disorders Gaining Importance in Recent Legal Cases
• Compassion for People with Personality Disorders

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:10 - Personality Disorders and Mental Illness
• 02:43 - What Is a Mental Illness or Disorder?
• 06:04 - Personality Disorders
• 09:04 - How Legal Views It
• 11:01 - The Elizabeth Smart Case
• 13:40 - The Unabomber Case
• 17:34 - Medication vs. Skills
• 19:44 - The Brown Case
• 24:26 - Narcissistic Personalities in Courts
• 27:35 - Reminders & End of Season One Note

If you aren’t sure whether you’ve met a narcissist, think back to an interaction in which you went away feeling small, inadequate or even insecure. It’s possible that you may have been around someone with a narcissistic personality. They are often puffed up about themselves and get triggered when they aren’t getting the attention they think they deserve... or are entitled to. Then they go into action, making those around them feel small.

But did you know they are also the Great Dividers? Although it may sound straightforward, it’s often confusing to those around them because they can be the life of the party, bringing people together, which is quite opposite from being a divider.
In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss:

• why narcissistic HCPs divide people
• how it manifests in 4 settings: family, politics, healthcare, and the workplace
• why we don’t see it coming and why we fall for their charm in the beginning
• ways to address and prevent succumbing to division
• how to handle email communications with narcissistic HCPs

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

• It’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People
• High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
• 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
• Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

ARTICLES

• Is Personality Awareness the Next Big Thing?
• Narcissistic High Conflict People
• Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with Them

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:13 - Narcissists: The Great Dividers
• 02:56 - Defining a Narcissist
• 07:13 - Splitting
• 12:36 - How to Address This
• 15:57 - Copying Someone Else In to Make You Look Bad
• 20:56 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Are Personality Disorders a Mental Illness?

Have you wondered if you are high conflict? If you have, you’re not alone.
Many people contact us with a concern that they might be high conflict after learning the 4 key characteristics of the high conflict pattern:

• unmanaged emotions
• extreme behaviors
• all-or-nothing thinking
• blaming others

Bill and Megan will discuss:

• whether you can tell if you have high conflict patterns
• what you can do if you have these patterns
• whether you should tell friends/family that you believe you have a high conflict personality
• whether to ask friends/family to hold you accountable or not
• whether you can change your way out of high conflict patterns

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

• It’s All Your Fault!

ARTICLES

• Do You Have a Personality Disorder?
• Can Personalities Change or Not?

OUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:13 - Self-Awareness
• 02:34 - Characteristics
• 06:54 - Changing Your Thoughts
• 09:32 - What Can You Do?
• 12:25 - Can You Do It On Your Own?
• 14:33 - When Will You Know You've Succeeded?
• 17:34 - Should You Tell Others?
• 21:59 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Narcissists The Great Dividers

As we know, change is hard for everyone, but if you’ve had a high conflict individual in your life, you know that change for them is seemingly impossible. Our minds tell us that they’re doing it on purpose or at least partially so; and that they can change if they’d just choose that route. But is that a reality? If we start with the premise that people with high conflict personalities don’t even know they have such a thing, why would change?

In this episode, Bill and Megan talk about:

• whether people with high conflict personalities know they’re such
• whether people with high conflict personalities can change
• if change is possible:
  • what is the likelihood of change
  • what it takes to help them change, such as therapy, programs, those around them
• how to approach someone with a high conflict personality HCP about their need for change and whether you should ever do that

NOTE: We are not diagnosing or labeling anyone and neither should anyone listening to this podcast. Instead, we focus on what to do to help.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

• 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
• The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families

ARTICLES

• Fire or Keep High Conflict Employees

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:08 - Does an HCP recognize they need to change?
• 04:34 - Can an HCP change?
• 06:36 - Borderline Personality Type
• 07:56 - Narcissistic Personality Type
• 09:37 - Histrionic Personality Type
• 10:03 - Antisocial Personality Type
• 11:10 - Helping Borderline HCPs Change
• 12:16 - What It Takes to Help Them Change
• 15:02 - Developing Empathy
• 17:08 - Time and Repetition
• 19:08 - Adapting to the Change in HCPs
• 20:10 - Approaching an HCP About Changing
• 25:42 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: What if I'm high conflict?

This Q &A Lab focuses on two questions about possible paranoid personality behaviors and high conflict behaviors, including:

• Combative, Aggressive, Violent, Blaming 19-year-old Son
  • The parent of 19-year-old with combative, aggressive, violent behaviors (including spitting on his parent) and demands that the parent admit abusing him as a young child. Bill and Megan will discuss:
    • What can this parent do when the son becomes infuriated when the parent won’t admit to the false allegation that he/she was an abusive parent?
    • How can the parent establish boundaries with the son related to money and other assistance when being bullied?
• Conspiracy-minded, Blaming Teammate
  • A member of a team has to deal with a blaming, accusing teammate who seemed to be paranoid and consistently dismissive and rude. Bill and Megan will answer whether this person could possible have a paranoid personality and/or a high conflict personality.

Links & Other Notes

BOOKS

• It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
• 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life

COURSE

• Who are High Conflict People?

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 00:28 - Q&A Lab
• 01:18 - Question One
• 14:36 - Question Two
• 23:58 - BIFF Responses Seen as Defensiveness?
• 26:43 - Paranoia vs. Paranoid Personality Disorder
• 30:59 - Children With a Paranoid Parent
• 32:44 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Can HCIs Change?

In 2021, we noticed a new book that was gaining a lot of attention—titled High Conflict. Of course a book with that title grabbed our immediate attention and piqued our curiosity, as high conflict is what we think about all day every day. After reaching out to the author, Amanda Ripley, we were quickly intrigued by her research and perspective and have since spent time getting to know each other’s work.

We are enormously pleased that Amanda has agreed to come on our show and happy to introduce her to listeners who haven’t yet heard about her. She is a New York Times best-selling author and investigative journalist. She started her journalism career covering courts and crime for Washington City Paper. She then spent 10 years working for Time Magazine in New York, Washington and Paris. Currently, Amanda lives in Washington, D.C., with her family. To discuss her writing, Amanda has appeared on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX News and NPR. She has spoken at the Pentagon, the Senate, the House of Representatives, the State Department and the Department of Homeland Security, as well as conferences on leadership, conflict resolution and education.

In this episode, Bill will discuss “high conflict” with Amanda, including:

• “macro” view of high conflict: mostly large groups and political conflicts (city council, gangs, rebels in Colombia), and “micro” view of interpersonal high conflict (divorce, workplace, legal disputes)
• how to get out of high conflict situations and how to avoid them, and how to deal with high conflict if you can’t totally get out, such as co-parents, workplace bullies, and legal entanglements
• what it takes to reduce high conflict behavior and the need to get people to talk more and judge each other less
• teaching journalists to ask more questions for depth beneath the conflict and to use the phrase both Bill and Amanda both love to use: “Tell me more!”

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITE

• Amanda’s website

BOOKS

• Amanda’s book High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out

ARTICLES

• In Harvard Business Review: How to Work with Someone Who Creates Unnecessary Conflict
• On CBS News: Book excerpt: “High Conflict,” when life becomes “us vs. them”

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

• 00:00 - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• 01:30 - Meet Amanda Ripley
• 06:39 - Defining High Conflict
• 11:04 - The Reasons We Get Trapped
• 12:13 - Conflict Entrepreneurs
• 14:32 - Strategies for Getting Out of High Conflict
• 21:26 - Spending Time with HCIs
• 22:12 - Tell Me More
• 24:41 - Complicating the Narrative
• 28:17 - What She's Teaching to Journalists
• 30:22 - Polarization
• 34:18 - Wrapping Up
• 35:09 - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Q&A Lab