Showing results by narrator "David S. Dear" in All Categories

A wild and wacky parody of the original Hellraiser movie. Now with more raisins!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Hell - the Raisining!

Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of a... Well, you all know the story. Jack is a poor farm boy living with his mother. Having to milk cows to keep the bill collectors at bay. Till, one day, a man comes by and gives him an enhancement pill that makes him sprout a giant boner, which he climbs all the way up to Giant Land. I mean, sure, we all know that part. But from there, things take a twist.

Two weeks of freedom hasn’t been enough for Eli to rebuild his life. While he races to prepare for looming winter, a killer’s crusade to exterminate Seufert Fells’s homeless drives a knife into the city’s criminal elite. Forced to hunt a killer disguised by magic, Eli’s world becomes a house of mirrors. Friends become enemies. Deceptions abound, and the magic that saved Eli threatens to consume him. With the serial killer targeting everything he loves, even new dumpstermancer spells might not be enough.

Three tales so awful, they'll make you want to wash your mind out with soap. Snow White and the mini golf course? Frankenstein meets Soylent Green? An avid reader trapped in an Edgar Allan Poe nightmare? These stories aren't normal. Like a stew, where you don't know what's in it, you don't know why you're eating it, but you can't stop. You’ll even ask for thirds.

Franks Wurst: The food of the future! Try one today! Many years have passed since Victor Frankenstein built his monster. The population has grown out of control. The food supply is getting low. Franks franchises are popping up like weeds. With only one thing on the menu, hot dogs. The low-cost way to feed billions. And people love them. But when meat becomes scarce, a new item appears on the menu: Franks Wurst. It's not long before that’s all anyone eats. Listen to find out more.

Magic has been franchised. Magical conveniences are sold everywhere like designer coffee. Everyday life is filled with technical and magical wonders. Only, the magic is murdering people. Thoth Corp's hot new spell is turning people into ravening monsters. Their only hope to quietly rectify the situation before the epidemic spreads is the spell architect they framed and sent to prison. El's response to his former partners wasn't polite. Homeless, forbidden to use government-regulated magic, and barely surviving out of dumpsters, Eli struggles to rebuild his life.

Ever wanted to be in a story? Our hero has. And now here he is. And it sucks. How did he get here? What did he do to deserve this? Why are these tales so much worse than the originals?

A mother’s secret. A son’s destiny. Can humanity be delivered from certain extinction? Cosette Sinclair, pregnant with an illegal second child, makes a discovery that will change the course of humanity. While on assignment to find a habitable planet for mankind’s first colony, she witnesses a tear in space - a gateway for a devastating alien invasion. Now, she’s faced with the heart-wrenching choice between saving her unborn child and saving the world.

Far from the fairy tales you're used to...

Long ago, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White. Okay, it wasn’t long ago, it was just a few minutes ago. And it wasn’t far away, it was the Bad Apple Miniature Golf Course/Action Fun Park in New Jersey. Come join your favorite characters: Snow White, the Queen, the Pepperoni Prince, and of course, the dwarves - Farty, Disorderly, Complimentary, Turkey, Sleazy, Juicy, and Smug.

Hansel and Gretel are two long-haul truckers, a brother and sister team, whose work order is simple: Deliver a truckload of cookies across country to an old witch in the forest. They accept the job, despite the rumors that those who deliver cookies sometimes don't make it back. When they stop to pick up their load, they notice something isn't right. Pastries shouldn't be bleeding and screaming and trying to escape their boxes.

Jimmy DiFrenzo is the head of one of the Figarazzi family, one of the toughest mob families around. He loves his gabagool, his gold chains, and his chest hair. He lives in a nice suburban home with his adoring wife and child. The perfect, yet hackneyed, life of a Sicilian American. But he has secrets. Blondie is a spoiled little rich girl who always gets her way. When her life becomes tedious, she begins a life of breaking into random homes. She never steals anything; she's in it for the excitement. All is going swimmingly, till she finds herself the wrong house.

Blood Republic is a political-thriller for a divided modern America. Corrupt politicians, biased media, NSA surveillance, and viral hate; Blood Republic examines extremism through a heart-pumping thriller with the fate of the country at stake. Will America survive its next election or collapse into a second civil war of conservative versus liberal?

The apocalypse is coming. A major demon has decided to start a war that will kill off humanity and give control to his demon legions. Kastor Blackwood was chosen at birth to prevent that war. Will he succeed in finding the guardian and prevent world destruction? Will humanity survive? Will they be able to crawl and scratch their way back from the brink of extinction in a fragile new world? With the help of a few unlikely allies, he may be able to succeed in his task.

Ronnie Jones is an ambitious teenage boy about to ask his Helen to marry him, till an accident cuts his life short. Like that annoying joker someone forgot to take out of that deck of cards before shuffling, his soul ends up where it doesn't belong; miles away. When he reawakens as Freddy, his spirit is on a mission. He must find the girl that has his heart. The good news: He finds her again! The bad news: It's 30 years later, and she's a baby. Seriously. He can't catch a break.

Adam is the first human being all alone in the Garden of Eden. He has everything he needs, but he sure is lonely. One morning he awakens to find his body flayed open. Could it be kidney thieves? No, God has stolen a rib to make him a companion. Why he couldn't have just made Eve out of dirt like Adam was, is beyond him. Adam and Eve are living in relative peace in Paradise until trouble comes to the Garden in the form of a snake.

Everything has come down to this. The Invaders have finally reached D.C. It's time for Eric and crew to destroy Uncle Mel and thus the entire alien race, but it seems that he's hidden away, and the city is being taken over by Mel clones. Starlet is held captive in a cave somewhere in Massachusetts. Can she break free and find Eric? And if so, can she reach him in time to help bring down the President? This has gone on long enough. It has to end. But how? Things are gonna get weird.

There are incidents and emergencies in the world that defy logical explanation, events that could be defined as supernatural, extraterrestrial, or simply otherworldly. Standard laws do not allow for such instances, nor are most officials or authorities trained to handle them. In recognition of these facts, one organization has been created that can. Assembled by a loose international coalition, their mission is to deal with these situations using diplomacy, guile, force, and strategy as necessary.

Mystical. Weird. Hilarious. It's a tale of idiots. It's a tale of life. A dumb cast of characters you have to see to believe. The surgeon on an acid trip. The lazy Uncle who fuses with his favorite chair. The boy who comes back from the dead for revenge. Bootsy Collins. What do these people have in common? About as much as you have with Kevin Bacon.