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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• How do I start a discussion with my husband? He's now bringing up that he thinks I was unfaithful to him 10 years ago. He is currently texting with a girl that he used to text with in a sexual context 4 months ago. He says it's no longer sexual, just small talk and he's shown me some of the messages.
• I felt neglected when he was deep in his addiction, and I had a one-night stand. How do we restore our relationship?
• After years in recovery, my husband is still triggered by some of my behaviors that remind him of when I was having an affair. He did trauma therapy for years and has a lot of tools he uses to work through triggers, but sometimes gets stuck. How can I help him when I’m the source of his triggers?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• Do I have to have sex whenever he wants it to keep him from temptation?
• My husband is working on his recovery, but he says he needs me to be more supportive. I’m crushed and angry. How can I tell him I am unable to cheer him on right now?
• Is it true that men only feel intimacy through sex?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• What is the difference between being controlling and setting boundaries?
• We are 6 years into recovery from my infidelity. My husband still associates my drinking with me being unfaithful. We've had to work through his controlling tendencies and unintentional manipulation in our recovery process. He is definitely more important than alcohol, but if I say I’m not going to drink, I feel like it’s giving into his controlling tendencies and I want to have the freedom to make that decision on my own. Is it really even about the alcohol?
• When we got married, my husband had a sex addiction that I didn’t know about. He used me for years for his pleasure. Coercing me to get what he wanted. Eventually he divorced me so he was “free” to act out sexually any way he wanted. In recent years he’s been in recovery and we remarried, with no guarantee that I will ever be able to be sexual with him. How do we navigate sex after addiction, divorce, and remarriage?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• Over 30 years ago, an elderly woman met with one of our pastors to tell him that the Lord had told her that oral sex is a sin. He took it to heart, and preached a whole sermon about its evils. Is oral sex a sin?
• If both husband and wife agree, is masturbation okay?
• Is there a sexual act in the marriage bed that's wrong? I've heard on another podcast that anything having to do with a woman's butt shouldn't be done.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• Why does my spouse's porn use and inappropriate sexual behavior feel so personal (even though it’s not)? Understanding this has been one of the hardest parts of my journey.
• My husband has, what I'll call, a porn addiction induced inability to orgasm. What I would like to know, is this fixable? He is in a Pure Desire group right now and just started Seven Pillars. If it is fixable, what do we need to do? How do we fix it?
• My husband recently told me he's not physically attracted to me anymore, even though he loves me dearly, and I have no idea how to process or move forward from this. I just had our second baby and was already feeling insecure about the way my body has changed. He's about 6 years into his recovery from a porn addiction. He's a wonderful and caring husband in most other areas. I don't know how to be around him, much less have sex with him! I can't just relax in my own skin in my own home with the person who's supposed to be my safest place.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• I’m close to completing the Betrayal & Beyond group but it doesn’t seem like our group will continue to interact much after the group ends. I am only 6 months into this journey and still feel like I need the support of a group (especially since no one in my real life knows about this issue). If the recovery process is 3-5 years, what do y’all recommend for continued connection after Betrayal & Beyond? Are there effective ways to try to get our current group to keep connecting? How can I keep building the support I need in my recovery (beyond individual therapy which I do already)?
• My husband and I interact with other couples who've been through Betrayal & Beyond, Conquer Series, Seven Pillars, marriage counseling, etc. What can I say to the betrayed wives who don't want to let go of the anger, or they don't want to forgive their husband? Most husbands are actively trying to stay sober, but the wives feel like they are entitled to stay bitter. My healing journey is a success, because my husband's recovery is a success. My husband says his recovery is a success because my healing is a success. How do I share this with wives with sensitivity, but not come off as holier than thou?
• How do I help the women in my group who are already divorced? Do you have much in the way of resources for them?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• I feel rage every time I have sex with my husband. I am angry about how he took advantage of me all these years by having sex with himself and stealing my sex. I do NOT want him to feel any pleasure because he has already stolen enough pleasure for a lifetime through abusive behaviors. How can I possibly move forward in this relationship? And I’m a woman who likes sex.
• I am severely unattracted to my husband. He has acted out for our entire marriage, lying about it and pretending to be someone different. He walks around fantasizing that some woman will save him because he is so insecure. I am attracted to men with emotional and spiritual maturity, and a strength that comes from their inner being. Now I just see him as a nerdy teenage boy and I don’t know how to move past this. What should I do?
• Since my husband stepped into recovery, he is entirely different sexually. He used to never arrive during intercourse and now he climaxes so abruptly. This makes me angry. I confronted him numerous times during our marriage about his sexual issues in bed and he always lied and gaslit me about it. Now, our sexual relationship is totally different and I’m angry about it. How am I supposed to forgive 14 years of his lying, manipulating, and behaving like a child?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• I'm in a Betrayal & Beyond group and it's been great for healing BUT my question is, where do I fit in as the girlfriend? How do I approach a Safety Action Plan when I'm not a spouse and don't really know about relapses or anything in that space?
• We just had our 31st anniversary—second one since disclosure. It was rather miserable for me and I felt myself pulling away and closing down, preventing connection. I can’t reflect and enjoy the memory of our day without feeling like all the memories are tainted and full of lies. Do you have any strategies to have these dates, anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, ect., come without all the pain and negative emotions associated with them?
• Can a marriage be healed and restored if both spouses are not doing a Pure Desire group? My husband is doing SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and I’m in a Betrayal & Beyond group. It would be nice to be doing something that has similar language and would help him understand my betrayal trauma better. Do I need to let it go and realize we will be working on our recovery/healing with different resources?

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All Pure Desire Tools

Help Her Heal

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