This week we are hanging out with annoying coworkers in dank tunnels while we discuss “Alone”! We’re talking how Doggett was ruined by the X-Files in only a few short months, how regifting really loses its charm after the fourth or seventh time, whether there’s a radon leak in the basement office, that Leyla easily could have been another Krycek, how Doggett is always getting himself into Looney Tunes situations, and how we’re mostly excited that we are continuing the travel expenses storyline. It’s what the people truly want! We are bankrolling Images of Mulder, this summer’s hot new coming-of-age drama, getting excited about the lizard turning people into juice boxes, enjoying funemployed Mulder, and how there’s only so much more passing the baton that we can take. Mostly we’re just thrilled at the confirmation that Mulder and Scully do need to be dragged away from work by their fingernails. Canon!

Note: Please submit Season 8 and The Lone Gunmen questions by Saturday November 23rd!

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This week we are for some reason breaking into maximum-security prison and hunting down grizzly bear poachers while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Maximum Byers” and “Diagnosis: Jimmy”! We’re talking Jimmy being put on death row for impersonating Elvis, how we didn’t know Byers was capable of bullying anyone, our favorite character Stronk, Steve Martin’s possible culpability in this evil scheme, and that Jimmy would definitely be a wife guy, and it’s strange that he hasn’t been snatched up already. He’s hot and dumb and rich! We worry about Langly getting frostbite through his 42 t-shirts, get into a death match over candy, get put off by Marilyn the sexy evil nurse, laugh at Byers’ super-serious bear trauma, and how messed up it is to let your eyebrows fall off into your patient’s open wounds. And just a PSA: if candy is literally falling out of your pockets, you know you have a problem.

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This week we are jumping off an oil rig in slow-motion while we discuss “Vienen”! We’re talking the show’s triumphant return to Boat X-Files, Bo Crowder’s surprise appearance, whether or not the Zodiac Killers is an open X-File, how much Mulder and Doggett hate each other, Skinner not being able to resist eating some delicious caramels off Kersh’s desk, Mulder’s undeniable cat energy, and whether Scully is busy doing a bunch of pranks when she’s teaching at Quantico. We wonder why nobody seems to notice that Mulder does not give a shit anymore, enjoy Mulder and Doggett’s matching outfits, worry about Scully going into labor as a result of dismay at Mulder’s actions, explore Amanda’s troubling work situation, and yet again wonder about Kersh and Skinner’s whole deal. New drinking game: take a shot every time Scully flips that sheet off the body to shock somebody.

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This week we are entering a low-resolution virtual reality and helping chimpanzees learn Shakespeare while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Madam, I’m Adam” and “Planet of the Frohikes”! We’re talking the running bit of The Lone Gunmen newspaper being found in the trash, whether or not Jimmy would be jealous of Mulder’s existence, Frohike getting into a beef with a child, finding goo in EVERY crevice, Yves being TLG’s emergency contact, that evil scientists can be wives too, and get really excited about the star of the show Maniac Marvin. We check in on Yves playing the Sims, get inspiration from a pro wrestler-themed wedding, wonder where we can sign up for the Monkey Liberation Army, note how Thomas Schnauz really got nepo-friended along in his career, and lament Ned Ryerson’s lack of a Blockbuster card. I mean, are you even alive if you don’t have a Blockbuster card?

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This week we are taking our faces off to reveal a tinier fiery face while we discuss “Empedocles”! We’re talking Reyes’ girl potential, comfy Scully, how dangerous it is to put two believers on one case, Jeb!, how much we enjoy how much Doggett and Mulder hate each other, and think it’s suspicious that Skinner didn’t show up to Scully’s hospital room. We do a lot of bad Batman voices (sorry in advance), wonder whether Mulder might actually be a ghost, try to stop Doggett from looming over Scully and having creepy visions, wonder whether Johnica could be a thing, debate the importance of an Evil Vaccine, and support Scully while she demands that Mulder be nice to Doggett, her only other friend. Also, this is serious business this week, because this is a case with some phenomena. What kind of phenomena? You’ll have to listen to find out.

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This week we are seeking out water-powered cars and being ill-equipped to take care of babies while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Like Water for Octane” and “Three Men and a Smoking Diaper”! We’re talking how Byers isn’t capable of carrying heavy boxes, question why Jimmy is doing all of their grunt work, add another Robe Wife to the collection, point out Langly’s cow trauma, and admire TLG’s cute little catsuits. We watch Langly go full cartoon mouth, realize that Byers was Suit Guy, get sad because Jimmy doesn’t know how to lick envelopes, laugh at yet another William, get scared of a bizarre kitchen appliance, and roll our eyes a lot at this whole baby storyline. Aren’t we getting enough of that on the main show?

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This week we are trying our best to get reinstated to our jobs while we discuss “Three Words”! We’re talking our triumphant return to the Mulder-only plot summaries, how much we’ve come to love Kersh and his evil ways, how Scully will still be working cases while she’s in labor, how much Doggett misses his pull tab case, and how much Mulder hates Doggett right off the bat. We laugh at Knowle Rohrer and the most suspicious hoodie of all time, how Scully is BESIDE HERSELF apparently, whether Skinner and Kersh take bets on their agents, that Doggett doesn’t know what a firewall is, and that Scully’s baby will happily help her threaten people. And some encouragement to take you through the week: Put a rise in your Levi’s.

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This week we are adding another member to the crew and breaking into old women’s houses while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Bond, Jimmy Bond” and “Eine Kleine Frohike”! We’re talking the ongoing motif of humiliating poor Tom Braidwood, whether or not Yves has a fake British accent, how much we love the evil henchman Mr. Luscious Lips and his signature move of kissing each bullet he shoots, how Langly has no idea how to clean anything, and say hello to Jimmy Bond. We are on the hunt for a secret Nazi baby, wonder where they got the funds or technology for the Mission Impossible masks, mourn the lack of a makeover montage, wonder if Mr. Luscious Lips disappears in a cloud of cologne, and wonder whether it’s funny to stare at an old woman’s ass. And wise words to remember: Never look a gift himbo in the abs.

Note: We goofed up the audio this week, and so unfortunately it sounds like we’re recording from a very deep well. Sorry about that, and back to the crisp audio you love next week!

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