What's the story today?

Double-secret detention, general elections, specific rap contests to choose the path forward for the new UPN.

Will the new Mouth-Face be a DJ Chauffeur-Usher-Butler, or an MC Satan-Baby? The choice is yours western man: are you the Batman or the Robin in your on the low gay hookups?

Or are you a wildcard agent of chaos, AKA the Joker?

Only time and taste will tell.

So, start your engines, lose your son, find him again, remember you're an auteur, and rush to the theater to win hearts and minds with that mysterious, community-unifying golden ticket known only as Rush Hour 4!

What's the story today? The TV is on the radio, and the radio is on TV! Everything is everything, and nothing is worth anything!

Lose your mind, grab your son, and escape the whimsical death-bed reveries of your boss on a goofy daytrip to the ol' ilicit movie theater.

It's an experience that will widen your eyes until you're no longer the (chinese) man you once were!

Lose yourself in the music, the moment; you own it, you better never let it go -- your weapon, that is. Because Nicki Minaj's ass won't abide cowards.

Nut up. Then, shut up and enjoy the sidewalk strolling trip to the cinema known only as Rush Hour 4!

What's the story today? It's not easy directing comms, but it is easy to beat your coworkers ex-wife with a golf club. Learn the finer points of responsibility with Carl Winslow, find out about Big Son's new album, and get excited for an age of holy terror.

When the war ends, the election begins!

Vote with your dollar and struggle to hang onto your sense in this: the Adam Sandler cohosted insanity-simulator (featuring Jim Carrey) known only as Rush Hour 4!

Catch it simultaneously on the new Nickelodeon and the new UPN. Because we deserve nice things. And if we can't have those, we'll have to settle for this instead.