Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we are warned that the dead are alive but not that history is about to be re-written. Join us as we chop down Bond’s family tree in “Spectre”.

* The pre-titles sequence sees Bond destroy Day of the Dead in a single take before ambushing an ambitious helicopter pilot. Sam Smith’s falsetto-filled title track is not enough to distract the eye from the tentacle-porn.

* Back in London, M sends Bond to bed without supper. Max steps away from the cover of “Punchable Face” magazine to C how rude he can be to M. James invites Moneypenny to his barely-furnished apartment to show her a video from beyond the grave.

* MI6 calls on Q to track Bond’s stress, whereabouts, and inebriation. James convinces Q to give him a couple of days off-grid. Despite the time constraints, 007 drives to Italy. As Spectre pay respects to Sciarra, Bond bangs the widow before posing as Mickey Mouse to infiltrate Spectre’s meeting. Guerra has his eyes on a job - until his eyes are on Hinx’s thumbs. Blofeld’s bird-calls baffle Bond before he flies away to the comfort of a car-chase.

* When C sees the losing vote, M drones on. Bond joins Mr White for some chess, before swanning about at Dr Madeline’s clinic. After failing yet another psychiatric session, James gives Q a ring before flying after kidnappers in cars. After saving Swann, she spells out Spectre’s secrets - so James whisks her away to Tunisia. Mr White’s secret Blo-cator room reveals the lair where Spectre is situated.

* James and Madeline catch the next train to the Spectre station, which leads to some Hinx hijinks. Blofeld treats his captives very well, until he screens Mr White’s death and drills into Bond’s brain. James forgets everything except for his Latin lessons, thankfully. After a reasonably easy escape, Bond and Swann fly back to London to team up with MI6.

* Blofeld has contrived a convoluted plan to torture James in the ruins of MI6 headquarters, but Bond is able to escape the building by boat. Blofeld barrels into a bridge by Big Ben, but Bond refuses to finish the job. M arrests Blofeld, while James and Madeline drive off in Connery’s car.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #25: A 007 ride at a theme park should be called The Wetbike. Who wouldn’t line up for hours for a chance to use the Nautical Entrance and ride the wetbike?

Worst Impersonation Trophy: Benso returns to the winner’s circle with a hesitant faux-European attempt at Dr. Swann justifying her own inclusion on a highly dangerous mission. Don’t worry about what happened to your father, Madeline - what has Benso done to your voice?!

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition welcoming the NSA to our listenership!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, MI6 is forced underground by cyber attacks. Join us as we head for the hills in “Skyfall”.

* The pre-titles sequence is up to old tricks by faking Bond’s death before Adele takes us deep inside 007’s psyche. Back in London, M is under pressure to explain mission failures before MI6 blows up in her face.

* This attack is enough to drag Bond away from his Heineken, and he regains M’s trust by breaking into her house. She sticks James on a treadmill, subjects him to surgical malpractice, and finds out what he really thinks by using word-association. He fails every test, but M still wants him back in the field.

* New Q is light on gadgets but is pretty computer-savvy. In Shanghai, Bond catches a lift and makes light work of sneaking up on a sniper. After Patrice plummets, Bond and Moneypenny raise a few eyebrows. At the casino, James cashes in Eve for Severine and then plays Pitfall by leaping lizards.

* Severine is sailing away when Bond boards her boat before shaming himself in her shower. With this assault behind them, they reach Silva’s abandoned island - where it is Bond’s turn to have his physical space invaded. An unimpressive William Tell impression leads to 007 capturing Silva.

* Back in London, MI6 have made a Magneto-cell for Silva. M hears what Silva has to say, then heads to her own hearing. At this, Silva opens every aperture in MI6 and heads for the tube. He commits an awful crime while at the very same time, M is being a touch sublime by reciting a lovely rhyme.

* James abducts M and heads for his childhood home in Scotland. Tanner and Q pause their beer pong game long enough to help Bond with breadcrumbs, so Silva can swoop on Skyfall. Inspired by Home Alone, Bond & M spend a day setting up 10 minutes of booby traps. All of this good work is undone by some foolish flashlighting - forcing 007 onto some thin ice. In the chapel, Silva is having too many feelings to finish his mission. James arrives just in time to kill Silva, but is unable to save M.

* Back in London, James finally meets Moneypenny before receiving his next mission from Mallory.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #24: Bond needed to get a kill in order to feel enough like himself to bother shaving.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to buy Bond a “First Capture” cake!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, the writers have gone on strike and left us to join the dots of this chase-heavy movie. Join us as we try to flounder our way through “Quantum of Solace”.

* The pre-titles sequence has Bond avoiding pineapple trucks as he chauffeurs Mr White to Siena. Another rocking title track takes us into a terrific terracotta rooftop race before Bond squeezes off a shot while swinging from some scaffolding.

* Bond heads to Haiti to smash up a hotel room and kill yet another source of information. Camille picks him up on her way to meet Dominic. Bond steals a boat and kidnaps Camille before asking M to dig deep into Dominic. She asks the CIA for information, but the Americans are in cahoots with Quantum!

* Mr White is co-ordinating Quantum during an Austrian opera, but Bond is taking the minutes of this meeting. James adjourns the meeting and kills yet another source of information. M has had enough, and cancels Bond’s cards to keep him in Austria.

* James motorboats across the Mediterranean to visit the villa Mathis earned. Rene is dressed for action, and jumps at the chance to join James in Bolivia. On the Virgin plane, 007 downs six vespers. Agent Fields has been sent to Bolivia to help James find the hotel stationery before Dominic’s party.

* Camille is asking to be thrown off a balcony, but Bond arrives just in time. Leaving Fields alone at the party, James drives off with Camille. Police pull them over and frame James for the murder of Mathis. Bond leaves his dear friend in a dumpster, but not before stealing his money.

* James and Camille somehow swap a car for a plane so they can fly over Dominic’s desert. A couple of jets join them for a dogfight, forcing a skydive into a sinkhole - where Dominic’s dammed water pushes the plot forward. After walking all the way back to town, Bond finds oil-fields in his hotel room.

* Bond invites Felix for a drink, but the beers turn into shots. Dominic has headed to his desert hotel, so James and Camille have a quick chat about vengeance-killing. They burn down the hotel and avenge Camille’s family.

* Bond leaves Dominic stranded in the desert with just a bottle of oil, then leaves Camille stranded at some train station with just a kiss. James finally avenges Vesper, and then tells M how he really feels.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #23: The cheapest way to get a plane is to trade in a rental car for it.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Mathis’s body repatriated to his villa!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we gush over the action scenes and pretend to be poker professionals. Join us as we explore the origins of our favourite spy in “Casino Royale”.

* The pre-titles sequence has Bond in a meeting that seems to mainly deal with a recent bathroom struggle. Bond’s 00-status is confirmed by some of the many spinning polygons in the titles. Mr. White introduces Le Chiffre to some Ugandan warlords who need banking advice. Bond is in Madagascar, partnered by a bumbling fool, and parkours up a crane - sadly never finding out if the cobra beat the mongoose.

* M throws a bit of a tantrum because Bond breaks into her apartment. She punishes him with a Ford Mondeo, so Bond finds a parking lot and throws his own tantrum. Then 007 declines the missionary position in favour of a mission. He tracks ellipsis until it trails off, then jets off to the runway in plane site - leading to a chase that is Virgin on the ridiculous.

* James is microchipped by M and skewered by Vesper. He and Vesper need help to take down Le Chiffre in Montenegro, so they are joined by Mathis - a renowned poker commentator. The plan is to wear poker-playing costumes and order complicated cocktails.

* Between hands, Bond teaches those Ugandan warlords not to stair. James rejoins the poker table and cleans up, and then visits Vesper in the shower - where he sucks at cleaning up. The following day, Le Chiffre cleans out Bond’s bank balance by bluffing about bluffing.

* Felix happily makes his own wallet Leiter, so James can stay in the game. After a hand nearly kills him, Bond is back in a flush. Vesper joins James for a post-poker dinner, where Bond names a cocktail after her. When Vesper vanishes, Bond takes off but rolls his car. He is dragged off for debriefing - where Le Chiffre has a ball. Thankfully, Mr. White arrives and kills Le Chiffre before Bond is forced to have a ball.

* Bond is sent to an Italian lakeside villa to recover from his scrotal trauma. James blames Mathis for this betrayal, so has him taken off for enhanced interrogation. This leaves Bond alone with Vesper - who attacks his groin more ferociously than Le Chiffre did.

* This time Bond chooses the girl over the mission, so he resigns and the two lovebirds head to Venice - where Vesper betrays Bond and steals the money. James is able to beat the bad guys and sink a building, but is unable to save Vesper. Mr. White escapes with the cash - until he meets “Bond, James Bond”.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #22: James Bond has NEVER been able to maintain a cover-story.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have all Pizza Hut buildings heritage-listed!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. With James on his 20th official adventure, this film is JW Peppered with callbacks to previous adventures. This launches our own retro-SPECTRE-ive as we wish the car wasn’t the only thing invisible in “Die Another Day”.

* The pre-titles sequence starts with Bond shooting us right in our gun, then surfing into North Korea. In the DMZ, James is joined by Zao and Moon - who want to buy his diamonds. After hovercrafting through the landmines, Bond finds an ap-peal-ing way to survive before being captured.

* The narrative continues through the titles, as Bond is waterboarded and tortured by the North Koreans. Madonna cleverly combines awful lyrics with a jarring dance beat to have the viewer wishing they could trade places with James.

* Bond is traded back to MI6 in exchange for a diamond-studded Zao. Bond is under guard, but holds his breath until MI6 let him go. A free man, Bond saunters into his favourite hotel and meets up with Chinese Intelligence.

* In Havana, Jinx joins James. They immediately start some slowly-smouldering seduction, subtly studded with single-entendres. After a delicious dalliance, Bond and Jinx end up at a remote island clinic - where DNA therapy is changing Zao’s appearance. Jinx kills a mad scientist, while James finds Zao and squeezes his sack.

* Diamond magnate Gustav Graves parachutes into London and immediately takes of-fence to Bond’s arrival. After a spectacular swordfight, Bond uses a secret door to meet M underground. She invites Bond to re-join MI6, so he heads straight for the gadget lab. After some light shoe-sniffing, Bond is shown a car that is out of sight!

* Gustav is planning a big event in Iceland, so M sends Bond and Miranda to catch the show. Gustav zooms his rocket car around his ice castle before his many guests mingle in the ice-bar. Miranda gives James a frosty stare, so James sticks with Jinx.

* Gustav shows everyone the power of Icarus. After a short show, Gustav catches Jinx while Miranda honeypots James. Bond then saves Jinx from being lasered by Mr Kil. Bond is caught and learns that not only is Miranda a double-agent, but Gustav is actually a re-marrowed Moon!

* Bond races away in the rocket car, while Gustav uses Icarus to chase him. Bond falls off a cliff with some awful kite-surfing, then returns to his invisible car just in time to lead Zao on a car-chase through the melting ice castle. Bond doubles-down on diamonds by dropping them on Zao’s face, then heads off to save Jinx by dunking her in the hot-spring the ice castle is built on.

* James and Jinx join M in the Korean DMZ and head for Moon’s airfield. Bond is unable to shoot Moon, so he and Jinx run - like hobos chasing a freight train - after his taxiing plane. Jinx hijacks the cockpit while Moon’s father is wishing his son had achieved crater things.

* While Bond battles Moon, Jinx aims the plane at Icarus then teaches Miranda about the art of war. Moon takes the only parachute through the jet engine, so James and Jinx jumpstart a helicopter just in time, before ending the film shagging in a seaside shack with sheets made from diamonds.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #21: Some foods are not sexually acceptable. Proven mood-killers include giant hoagies and anything involving cutlery.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to forbid ice-castle construction atop hot-springs!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we learn all about how bullets help brains. Join us as we salvage this disaster of a film by throwing Christmas puns at “The World is not Enough”.

* The pre-titles sequence begins with Bond being a banker. MI6 blows his pile of cash, so Bond’s back in a boat, being a spy! Bond busts his shoulder by letting go of a balloon. Then the titles occur over inoffensive music.

* A King has been killed, so MI6 retreats to a Scottish castle. Bond is outraged by M stealing his “personal vendetta” schtick, and is forced to get a leg over the doctor to prove his shoulder is fine. In other MI6 news, a bumbling oaf is now in charge of the gadgets as Q takes his cue with a perfect exit.

* The archvillain Renard has a bullet in the brain - so is obviously now unable to feel pain AND is gaining strength. James hits the alps for some long-overdue skiing, and joins King’s daughter Elektra atop some mountain. Their flirtatious frolicking is interrupted by some parachuting snowmobiles that chase Bond downhill. Luckily, James is able to evade them all and also use his jacket-ball to protect Elektra from an avalanche.

* Bond shrugs off Elektra’s name-calling and visits a casino to meet an old friend. James uses his x-ray specs to see through all sorts of things before costing Elektra a pile of cash in the most boring of all casino games.

* Meanwhile, Renard is juggling hot rocks while Elektra’s bodyguard assassinates some physicist. This provides James the opportunity to create a fake ID and impersonate this 60-year-old Russian. This ruse gets by Renard’s henchmen pretty easily, but the interrogative powers of Dr. Christmas Jones almost blow Bond’s cover!

* Below ground, James finds Renard but holds off on shooting him - knowing that this will only make Renard stronger. Dr. Christmas arrives and announces that Bond is not Dr. Arkov. This results in a lot of explosions and all sorts of implausible events, culminating in James dragging Jones above ground through some hatch.

* James and Jones mess up some math and decide that it is time to jump on a pipeline trolley to chase down some runaway plutonium. This leads to an explosion in an oil pipeline that does not even soil Bond’s white shirt. Meanwhile, Elektra has turned evil and taken M hostage.

* Bond visits Valentin’s caviar farm to learn more about Elektra’s Stockholm Syndrome. The aerial side-trimmers return to break Bond’s BMW, but James and Dr. Christmas stay out of trouble until Bullion blows his bag. Elektra has M in a cage and ties Bond to a chair.

* Elektra and Renard have some unsatisfying sex, then she sends him to steal a sub so he can spoil some oil pipelines. Valentin is shot by Elektra, and uses his last dying action to save Bond. James helps M out of her cage on his way to execute Elektra, and is then free to dive for Renard’s submarine. Once inside the sub, Bond saves Christmas and crashes the sub against the sea floor. With water gushing in, it is time to find Renard!

* After a short fight, Bond is able to hook up some pneumatic hoses in such a fashion that Renard is speared by his own plutonium rod. This leaves Bond free to subject Christmas to a similar fate, albeit on a Turkish balcony. The single worst line of dialogue in a Bond film is at the least the end of this mess.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to keep Coltrane out of our caviar!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we try to mediate the dispute between a hard-working newspaper man and some British twat. You’ll be Wai Lin for more after you listen to our pun-peppered discussion of “Tomorrow Never Dies”.

* The pre-titles sequence has Bond busting up a bizarre bazaar before jumping in a jet with no ejection protection - then the titles song plays over some very Zorin-esque visuals. A stealth ship sinks a submarine - forcing sailors to evacuate (“This is not a drill! Well, it is… technically”). Elliot Carver, owner of a media group, is eager to get this story into Tomorrow’s news.

* Moneypenny tells Bond to spit out a mouthful of Danish so he can go investigate the sunken sub. Before leaving, James checks in with Q to pick up some gadgets. Bond reunites with Carver’s wife (Paris) and immediately goes from banker to wanker. Wai Lin distracts Carver - who has his heavies haul Bond away to a soundproof room. Bond beats them up and returns to his hotel; Paris arrives, giving Bond an eyeful.

* Bond breaks into Carver’s printing press and steals a GPS encoder from the safe - beating Wai Lin to it. James heads back his hotel room, where Dr Kaufman is waiting for him. The doctor has already operated on Paris, and is about to kill James. Shockingly, Bond convinces Kaufman to electrocute himself and then uses Q’s remote-control car to escape Carver’s idiot henchmen.

* Bond takes the encoder and jets off to meet Jack Wade. After a quick HALO, Bond is underwater and sneaking into that sunken sub. Wai Lin pops in, adding enough extra weight to activate gravity. She and James ditch the scuba tanks and escape via what may or may not be a torpedo tube.

* Bond and Wai Lin are captured and brought to help Carver write their obituaries, but they jump out of a window and steal a motorcycle. Some exciting stunts lead - naturally - to Bond and Wai Lin having an outdoor shower, before hopping on some junk to go find Carver’s stealth ship.

* Carver thinks he has made Bond his new anchorman, but Bond is busy killing hundreds of henchmen. Finally, James confronts Carver and forces Elliot to face his fate. James stamps out one more henchman; then saves Wai Lin from drowning. They choose to hide from their rescuers in order to get some action on a floating door.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #18: Elliot Carver uses Scaramanga’s lair to hide his stealth boat. Scaramanga spread so much distrust and superstition about the area that the local fishermen are still reluctant to go anywhere nearby.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have the Mohs Scale re-written with Dunlop Volleys listed as the hardest mineral!

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Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we take the Pierce out of Brosnan and reminisce about mid-90s technology. Join us as we call in on an old flame with ”Goldeneye”.

* The pre-titles sequence introduces our new Bond with a failed mission, bookended by successful stunts. Then Tina takes a turn at the titles track as great graphics get us revved up for this new age of James.

* Bond visits a casino and tries to stay on top of Xenia, but an Admiral pulls rank. In order to steal a helicopter, Xenia squeezes an ID out of the Admiral, then squeezes into a jumpsuit.

* Boris and Natalya (great with computers, not so good with the puns) are the only survivors when Onatopp and General Ourumov open fire inside a Russian satellite station.

* Meanwhile, Bond visits MI6 to introduce a much-improved Moneypenny, a somehow-still-employed Tanner, and the best M yet. M gives Bond a bourbon and a dressing-down, then sends him to St. Petersburg. A quick trip to Q’s lab provides more comic relief than useable technology.

* In Russia, James meets an old foe who has become a new friend. This leads to reuniting with Valentin, who sends James to a spa to meet Janus. Onatopp is there, so things get steamy before Bond convinces her to take him to Janus. Bond’s Russian reunions continue when it emerges that Janus is yet another old friend - not a two-faced Roman god, but a two-faced ex-MI6 agent.

* Bond is tranquilised and wakes up strapped into a helicopter, alongside Natalya. James has to use his head to escape. Bond & Natalya snitch to the Russian authorities, before Ourumov creates some friction in the non-fiction section.

* James drives a tank through the city streets, and then somehow uses it to sneak up on Ourumov’s train. Ourumov later confuses this train with a battering ram, which is the beginning of the end for Ourumov.

* Bond and Natalya take a brief break from the action to give James time to “find himself” with a beach-side sunset. Once 007 has found James, it is time to find Janus (if he'd found a copy of You Only Live Twice, Bond may have found this lair sooner).

* Inside the lair, Bond learns that Alec is doing all of this in order to rob a bank. Boris unknowingly tests 007’s ability to count to three. Thankfully, Bond can count to three, so is able to escape to the satellite dish. Alec follows James outside, but falls from the dish - before the dish falls on him.

* The film ends with a totally plausible helicopter extraction and a field full of Marines.

Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #17: The reason everyone has so many unread emails in their inbox is because we decided to do away with full-screen, buzzing notifications.

And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Sam Smith write & record a song called “That’s My Lunch”!

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