• The Fraudsters I’ve Worked With — and their Dirty Secrets
    Mar 2 2025
    There’s an epic scene in The Wolf of Wall Street where Jordan Belfort’s empire crumbles.The FBI storms in, and the game is over. No negotiation. No escape.I kid you not… I once worked for a company where the same thing happened.A surprise raid.People were shredding evidence. Others have panic attacks.What followed was a massive lawsuit.The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) sued the investment advice company for deceiving consumers with false claims about their services.The FTC alleged that they charged consumers thousands of dollars for access to services that often resulted in substantial losses.* The company paid $1.7 million to consumers.* The FTC also sent $1.2 million in refunds to consumers.And here’s where I tell you how much I f*****g hate marketers.If you think Wall Street is evil, step into the world of online marketing—where fraudsters wear Rolexes, fake ‘gurus’ charge $5K for a Zoom call, and convicted criminals are keynote speakers.I’ve never seen a demographic of people who would sell their souls to make a quick buck faster.I’m convinced that the world of direct-response marketing is filled with sociopaths.The entire industry is shady as f**k.Filled with charlatans and frauds.I’ve taken to looking up my clients on TruthFinder.com to see if they have a criminal record.I had one client — a very well-known, well-respected guy.I discovered he’s been fined $300,000 by the FTC for false advertising.That guy was a whole ass criminal. Yet, he’s doing keynote speeches at marketing conferences, and everybody worships him like a God.FILLED.Gary Halbert is considered one of the best copywriters of all time. What a fascinating human being. He wrote his book on how to write copy FROM PRISON.Most copywriters worship this man.To me, he most resembled a kingpin. He was a playboy. And off his rocker like Jordan Belfort.He once said that he was on a plane looking down at the houses — and one out of every three houses he could see below had received his ads.He became incredibly wealthy and lost it even faster. Gary was the master of selling you a fantasy, so he ended up in prison for a year.Again, he got busted for fraud.People asked me to write a promotion for a Crypto info product…While they were getting slaughtered in the market.One guy had a whole episode of Unsolved Mysteries dedicated to him.Because there’s widespread suspicion that he murdered his copywriter — pushed him off the top of a building.This is how crooked some of these people are.Yet, these people walk among us as if they’re normal human beings.I’ve gone back and forth on what to make of the people in the online marketing world.Are they all fraudsters or doing real good in the world?That’s a question I asked myself about Tony Robbins A LOT. And I still go back and forth. I’ll eventually make a whole post about Tony’s shadiness.There was this guy, Brett.My former boss.One of the scammiest people ever.Every day, we’d start the day with a team meeting. Bret had a very inflated ego.I’ve seen Brett publicly humiliate more than a few people with glee.Brett fancied himself to be above the rules. Rules are for the little people. He was on the call chewing tobacco — I kid you not — spitting it out into a spittoon.What is the yippy kay yay is this?Disgusting.Nobody commented on it, but that alone tells you everything you need to know about Brett.After the FTC raid the previous year, Brett came from another company to run the show.The Feds had also busted the company he’d come from — Raging Bull. And they got shut down permanently.Brett considered himself a marketing genius, yet ironically, he had a knack for running businesses into the ground.This one was no different.There was another client in the same industry. He flies me down to Florida to meet at the company headquarters for a few days.It’s a tiny office—much smaller than I expected for an investment guru. There are about eight people in the whole company.I meet the phone sales team—two guys. We went out for drinks, and they told me about the job.“Hey,” I say, “What was all that yelling I heard from your office? You must have had an irate customer.”“Oh nah.” He said, “You ain’t seen nothing yet. This is me every day. When I’m yelling, that’s right where I want to be. That means emotions are flying…”.“If we’re having a screaming match, I’m doing my job.”This guy felt no qualms about berating people into buying his overpriced product.No qualms about using every shady and manipulative tactic in the book to bully his way to closing the sale.On the contrary — he was proud of himself.How did I arrive here?I was a LONG way from home.I kept trying to climb the corporate ladder and followed the money.I heard that the investing advice industry paid the best, so that’s where I went. They spent the best because it was the most cutthroat and competitive industry online today.So, the best copywriters in the world ...
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    9 mins
  • How I Took Back My Power
    Mar 1 2025
    Growing up, I was bombarded with the message that I was supposed to do what I was told…Bow to authority.From watching my mother stay in a relationship long past its expiration date.From watching her complain endlessly about him without seemingly doing anything about it.From living in a home with a tyrannical father. That oppressive energy left its mark.I never received the required love and validation to become a healthy adult. Bad role models surrounded me. There are so many reasons I could explain how I became this way. I could spend all day just itemizing all of that.Long story short, I was raised to become a doormat.I Call This Version of Myself The ChauffeurThis was because I was reduced to becoming my ex-wife’s chauffeur for many years. I had to become very used to a certain kind of oppression to feel at home in it for so many years.It’s so funny. After I broke up with her, my ex acted like she tried to salvage our relationship. That’s certainly not what I saw. I saw a person with an addiction who felt threatened that someone was going to take away her favorite drug — control. My ex could not function without a truly extreme amount of control over the people around her.There were reasons why I went along with it. Trying to peel back all of the layers to explain my dysfunctional relationship is complex. The whole dynamic was so absurd. And my ex-wife refused to respect my version of reality, so there wasn’t much I could do about her.For my whole life, I have always had low self-esteem. I see it so much more clearly now. I was so comfortable playing the supporting role. I was so comfortable giving and giving. And so uncomfortable receiving.Being the chauffeur was a massive insight that I gained in therapy. It truly changed the game. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I looked at my entire life through this chauffeur lens. There was chauffeuring in everything in my life.I took on a career as a freelance copywriter. It’s taken me many years to feel deserving of a decent income. You’re willing to work for peanuts and false promises when you believe you’re nothing. My entire business model hinged on me playing a supporting role for other people’s businesses. And, in that dynamic, the client was like God. They had all the power. All the control.In the early days, I jumped through so many hoops for my clients that it was ridiculous. I could spend hours painting this dynamic. I’m thinking about one 3 a.m. call I once had with Neil Patel. Yikes. Indeed, I was willing to compromise my values for a buck at a moment’s notice.Why on earth would somebody even ask for a call at that hour? More importantly, why would I agree?I Grew Up in an Unfair HouseholdMy father controlled us like puppets, and there were severe consequences for stepping out of line. Meanwhile, he got away with murder.Remarkably, the brain can be attracted to the familiar. Never forget that. Let’s say you grew up in a loveless environment. In a place where people invalidated your feelings constantly…Twenty-five years later, I’m still turning my nose up at anybody who likes me, but the person who doesn’t like me—the emotionally unavailable one. The ones who won’t give me their approval — they’re the ones I want.I don’t even realize that those are the people I’m obsessing over. But I’m blind to all of the secure, healthy people. They’re not even on my radar.I think about the girl I dated most recently and a new love interest I have. I wonder what kind of man I must be to attract these healthy, beautiful, successful women… That person is so far from the person I’ve been all my life. I have been repelled by people with those healthy traits all these years.It’s wild.Sometimes, I think… I can’t believe I’ve pursued women’s approval my whole life. Like… I told this girl I have a “friends first” dating policy. And her eyes lit up. I’d never put up a boundary like that. Not ever?I’ve always wanted to pursue intimacy as fast as possible. There was no stopping to evaluate. There was no selectivity whatsoever. Even wondering if someone else likes you is a bridge too far. It’s backward. It’s always about how you feel about them.NEVER let a person define youNever let them say they know what you’re thinking or feeling. Run. Nobody has the right to represent you. This is a significant boundary violation, and it’s also catastrophic for your mental health and well-being.I’m re-reading Controlling People by Patricia Evans right now. And, funny enough, this isn’t the first issue I would think to discuss when talking about a controlling person… But for the expert, this is it.This is the defining trait of all controlling people. Defining someone says, “I know what you’re thinking better than you.” Or, “I know what you’re feeling better than you.”Going along with this dynamic means gradually surrendering your identity to the other person. This is how you wake up one ...
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    12 mins
  • I Could Be Miserable -- Like The Rest of Them.
    Feb 28 2025
    I’m really weird.Some would say crazy.I’m one of those people I keep talking about.I’m crazy, but I pass for normal.Or at least…I used to be.One would have to be crazy to be in the one-sided relationships I was in for as long as me.Let me clue you in on something:Sometimes, there are people who are emotionally dependent on others.They NEED other people to solve their problems.They EXPECT it.DEMAND it.And they’ve been this way a LONG time.The WHOLE time.And they’re expecting YOU to be THEIR savior.I noticed that they’re always so good at identifying new problems they want me to solve.And going to work rousing me into action.With claims of the great injustice committed against them.Only I can right that wrong.And you’re all wrapped in THEIR problems.Which seem to materialize like clockwork one after another.I can barely keep up.It’s ALMOST like they’re manufacturing new problems on a schedule.I haven’t found myself in a situation like that in a long time.However…When this was a common event, I was healed enough to see the manipulative behavior for what it was.It still drained the daylights out of me.People who drain me absolutely must go.I’m already exhausted as it is.That’s why the Zen Center is such a Godsend right now.It’s a healing space.It heals old wounds that most people have long forgotten.There was a time in my journey when my suffering was so acute it created a thirst for spiritual freedom.To be unburdened from all of this suffering.I can’t believe I manifested becoming a real Zen monk.That’s me living my dreams.But I’m getting carried away — this troublemaker in your life…I noticed something really eye-opening.Sometimes people are trying to enlist you to solve their problems…And you take note that there’s a crisis.A new problem someone wants to gift me.But if I stop and assess myself in that moment.I stop and ask…But wait… where in all of this chaos do I benefit?Do I get anything at all out of getting this new problem foisted on me?If I don’t benefit from playing rescue…Then I have no business being involved at all.That’s so weird.Problems are personal.Just because there are millions of people out there who are all too happy to have you fix their life…That doesn’t make it any less crazy.Accountable people tend to keep their problems to themselves.They’re not always trying to rope you into their drama.I made this particular mistake too many times.Too severely…To ever make this mistake again.I’ve had to work SO HARD to break the cycle of codependency.I kept attracting people who just took, and took, and took, until I was exhausted and depressed.Why was I so comfortable in that space?Because I’d been living this way my whole life.It was my norm.But why?Ah, yes.The answer to that question, some would rather you not know.Because it might force you to re-evaluate the people around you.It might make you see that you’re investing in people who don’t deserve you.Then what?Who likes being in that awkward place of having to confront reality…That could mean having to cut people out from your life.Talk about upsetting the applecart!Secrets keep you glued to trauma.Ignoring your better judgement…That’s a recipe for disaster.For me, that meant coming to terms with the reality that I was raced in an abusive home.This is not a reality that almost any of my family will admit to…But that doesn’t mean it’s not accurate.It doesn’t mean I don’t have to live with the effects of growing up in a place like that.Instintively, I knew something was wrong with my family.I wanted to be different.That thrust me onto the road less traveled.Filled with almost a decade of therapy.Thousands of books.Becoming a Buddhist.Confronting many demons.Ultimately, it led to me burning my whole life to the ground and starting over.It was a painful place to be.But undoubtedly worth it.After going my whole life abandoning myself...The joy of finally feeling self-love…I was hooked.Worth almost any price.Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, Buddhist.Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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    5 mins
  • THE LAST ELECTION
    Feb 27 2025
    Luigi Mangione pressed his back against the damp alley wall…His breath short, controlled bursts.The air smelled of burning plastic…The scent of a city suffocating under its own corruption.Above him, a drone hovered, its infrared scanner sweeping the streets.The Board’s Enforcers had every corner of this city locked down.Facial recognition systems, neural ID trackers, AI-driven predictive policing—all designed to ensure men like him never made it this far.But he had.And tonight?Another billionaire was going to die.Luigi checked his pulse pistol. One charge left. Enough. He didn’t need firepower—he needed precision.Across the street, a penthouse loomed above the city like a golden fortress. High above the slums, untouchable. That’s what The Board always thought. That’s what they all believed.They thought money was power.They thought the system would keep them safe.They were wrong.A name burned in Luigi’s mind.His next target…Elon Musk.First, Elon Musk bought Twitter.And ran it into the ground.Then, he bought the presidency.Not with votes. With money.Like he was buying another sports car.And he used his limitless wealth to dismantle the federal government…While he lined his pockets.While he destroyed democracy.While the people sat—Helpless.Powerless.Hopeless.Or so they thought.They say to have an abundant mindset.They say, don’t hate the player, hate the game.But when the game is rigged from the start?When one man can buy a nation’s future?When a handful of billionaires decide who lives and who dies?It was a strong argument for the guillotine.Nobody should be powerful enough to buy the presidency.To Trojan Horse themselves into power.To put their interests above an entire nation.And this motherfucker wasn’t even American.SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?It was years before the torches came out.Before we made guillotines great again.Elon MuskNet worth: $1.9 trillion.Official title: Chairman of The Board.Unofficial title: The Man Who Killed America.Mangione had studied Musk’s financials like a hitman.He knew where his money came from.Where he funneled it.Where he spent his nights.And tonight, Musk was at his penthouse, guarded by a dozen Enforcers.The year was 2036, and democracy was a memory.The resistance wasn’t an army. It wasn’t a movement.It was a single name, whispered in the dark, scrawled on walls, passed from one desperate hand to another.Luigi Mangione.Everyone knew who he was.Everyone knew what he did.And everyone knew he found… The List.Rumors of a document so powerful it could bring down The Board in a single day.Some said the names on that list were identical to those on Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs.If only Trump had released The Epstein List like he said he would.Twenty thousand executive orders in four years…But the most important one stayed buried.Why?Because the list was a who’s who of global power.The men who dictated the markets.The men who controlled the wars.The men who owned the police.The men who never, ever got caught.The law didn’t touch them.One day, the truth came out—Donald Trump had been bought and paid for.By the Saudis.By the Russians.By everyone.Let’s not forget:Trump went bankrupt multiple times.And bankrupt men are always desperate.The perfect pawn for those with real power.ABOVE THE LAWBack then, people thought the rich couldn’t hide under public scrutiny.That nobody was powerful enough to assassinate a billionaire in federal custody—And get away with it…Without anyone even asking questions.I used to joke that the rich hunted people for sport.But later… we found out it was true.Makes sense.It was no less outlandish than a child sex-trafficking cult run by the world’s elite.The Board denied its existence. The Enforcers executed anyone who dared to search for it.Then, one day, the list surfaced—and so did Luigi Mangione.A nobody.Mangione didn’t just escape prison.He found The List.And now?For the first time in decades, The Board was afraid.The illusion was breaking.The torches were coming.The guillotines were being rebuilt.And if Luigi Mangione succeeded?It would be the last election The Board ever rigs.Luigi glanced at the stolen security tablet in his hand. His access codes—ripped straight from The List—still worked. The override would disable every alarm for exactly 32 seconds.That was all he needed.Because the moment Musk saw him…He was already dead.Until next time,AntonDancer, Writer, Buddhist.Permission to be Powerful is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Permission to be Powerful at www.antonvolney.com/subscribe
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    5 mins
  • Gestapo at the Door: When ICE Comes Knocking
    Feb 26 2025
    It was almost noon when they came.A cold wind swept through Geneva, New York. The sky was heavy with the threat of snow, and the air was thick with winter’s silence. But silence wouldn’t last…Three men stood at the edge of the property.They wore dark tactical vests, black utility pants, and thick jackets lined with armor.Their badges gleamed in the early light, clipped high on their chests—too high to read unless you got too close. The kind of closeness that could cost you.Each of them had a firearm strapped to their hip, cuffs looped at their waist, and radios clipped to their shoulders.The radios crackled now and then, with brief bursts of static whispering and some unknown coordination in the background.ICE.Their faces were unreadable, locked behind that trained, cold expression. The look of men who had done this before. Men who had walked into neighborhoods like this, in cities like this, under the same pretense—a name, a file, a mission.But they weren’t just knocking on doors.They were hunting.The people of Geneva, NY, had never seen anything like this before.Just an hour from Rochester, the town had its share of visitors—some welcome, some not. But at this moment…No one was less welcome than those men standing in front of the house.And they weren’t alone.A small group had gathered at the threshold of the house, standing between the agents and the door: three people—one woman, two men. The woman held her phone up, camera recording, her breath visible in the freezing air.She had seen the cars when they rolled in. A black Nissan Pathfinder. A silver Ford Explorer. Two unmarked SUVs, but everyone knew what they meant.This wasn’t local law enforcement.This was something else.One of the men, dressed in a black hoodie and jeans, shifted his stance. He wasn’t big, but he wasn’t afraid. His eyes flicked between the agents, reading them, measuring them.The second man, older, bundled in a thick winter coat, crossed his arms and exhaled sharply. His face was lined, weathered by experience. He’d lived in Geneva for decades. He had seen things.They all had.The woman’s phone caught everything—the boots shifting on the pavement, the twitch of a trigger finger resting just a little too close to a holstered gun, the way one of the agents kept glancing at the side of the house like he was thinking about making a move.She knew this game.She had seen the videos before.She had watched the news.And she knew what happened when people didn’t record.ICE Agent 1 stepped forward, boots grinding against the driveway’s gravel.“If you’re unwilling to help us, then we won’t have this conversation.”The man in the black hoodie barely flinched.“You said you guys are looking for someone?”The agent’s jaw tensed.“If you’re willing to help us, we can talk. But other than that…” He let the sentence hang, glancing at the phone camera.A warning.A threat.The scene was eerily familiar.The black vehicles idling on the curb, the way the agents loomed in the early morning light, the stiff posture of men who saw themselves as enforcers. The civilians stood firm, refusing to yield. The tension was so thick that it felt like the street was holding its breath.This was not new.Not in history.Not in America.Not anywhere that power saw fit to extend its reach.The way the agents spoke—their clipped, measured tones. The way they didn’t answer questions directly, just circled, prodded, pressed.It felt like something out of an old film reel. Not New York in 2025, but Berlin in 1939.Because it always starts the same way.With uniforms.With boots on the pavement.With a knock at the door.ICE Agent 1: “Clearly, you’re talking to them, telling them not to open the door. They have rights. I understand that.”The woman holding the phone narrowed her eyes.They have rights.And yet here they were, dressed like soldiers, standing in front of a home, waiting.ICE Agent 1: “But we might not even talk to these people. We’re trying to figure it out.”Figure what out?The woman’s stomach twisted.That was the trick. The pretense of uncertainty. The idea that maybe—just maybe—they had the wrong house. The wrong person. That they weren’t here for something terrible.That they weren’t here for what everyone knew they were here for.Citizen 1: “Okay. That’s fine. I mean, I’m sure you would have their contact information.”A silence.The agent smiled thinly.ICE Agent 1: “Well, this is our address.”The words felt surgical. Chosen carefully.Not “this is where they live.”Not “we know they’re here.”“This is the address that we have.”Thin words. It’s just thin enough to slide through a loophole.The woman felt her fingers tighten around the phone.Because she had seen the videos before.She had seen how agents like these lied—claimed they had a warrant when they didn’t. They claimed they had a right to enter when they didn’t. They claimed they wouldn’t take someone away… ...
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    12 mins
  • I Was Addicted to Work, and It Almost Destroyed Me.
    Feb 25 2025
    I was a workaholic through and through. Eventually, it all caught up to me.I kept telling my Copy Chief at Tony Robbins company that burnout would be the only way I would fail at this job.I constantly monitored my energy levels and quickly cut loose anything or person that drained my energy.I once went to the doctor while I was getting divorced and told him how fucked up my world was and how much stress I was dealing with. I was starting to get acid reflux from all the stress I was under. I thought I had a heart condition from the sharp pain in my chest.I mentioned I was seeing a girl who was stressing me out.He said, “Be selfish.”Indeed, I was so glad I broke up with that girl when I did because I recognized that she disturbed my peace and drained my energy, which would impact my work.I had finally smartened up about the impact my significant others have on my work.There is a direct connection between how much my significant other bothers me and the quality of my work.I learned this while my marriage was falling apart. I was too stressed out to work. I went from being the rising star in the company to being the bottom of the barrel.I was hanging on to my job for dear life. At the same time, my ex was actively trying to inflict as much pain on me as possible. I had several nasty run-ins with my in-laws as well.In retrospect, I realized that she wanted to punish me, and all of those arguments we had after I left were utterly pointless. They only served to cause me as much pain as possible on the way out.There I was, trying to save my marriage one last time.I should have cut her off immediately.I’ve learned that your inner child always takes note of when you fail to protect them. This was one such time. I failed to protect my income, and therefore, I lost it.This was the very last time I allowed myself to be taken on a roller coaster like that. When my ex decided to throw me out… I knew in the back of my mind that this would affect my job.But I didn’t have it clear enough that I didn’t deserve that treatment.I was like a dog getting its face rubbed in s**t.I was willfully enabling her to add insult to injury. To make myself an even bigger Martyr.In my defense… this was the season when I was transitioning from Chauffeur to Mike Tyson. I was wobbling back and forth between the two mindsets.I was in an unstable place mentally and emotionally.After that, I decided to take Wellbutrin.This is an antidepressant that also works as an ADHD treatment. I take it to protect my mood, so I never find myself in a place like that againI learned a lot about burnout and how to manage it. I learned some exquisite lessons.Every eighteen months or so, I get burnt out.There’s no need to tell you what happens.You know.Just getting out of bed can be a challenge.You get a whole night’s rest but are still tired the next day.Nothing seems to restore your energy.WTF is up with that?Burnout is your body’s way of saying you’ve gone too far.It assumes you’re not in touch with your inner child.You’ve ignored their needs for so long; now your body’s shutting down.It’s very easy to get sucked into a workaholic environment.I once worked at a place where my Copy Chief went on a two-week vacation. Yet she was still present at every morning meeting while on vacation, with her kids in the background.F**K THAT COMPANY.This is late-stage capitalism, y’all.They want to work you to death like a beast of burden and then replace you with someone cheaper at the first opportunity.Some companies are all too happy to exploit you for long hours and punish you for not being part of the cult.Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.Late-stage capitalism is dog-eat-dog.The rich exploit the poor.The last thing I want to do is find more reasons for an employer to use me.That’s what buying into the workaholic company culture gets you.I struggled with burnout because I worked too much. When I started as a freelance copywriter, I was dangerously inexperienced.Like Abe Lincoln, I failed to the top.To compensate for my lack of experience, I worked seven days a week for several months.All work and no pay make Jack a dull boy. So, I was depressed.Why was I so driven?There were easier ways to make money.That’s the part that needed healing.I had no understanding of that.I just knew I was driven, and nothing would stop me.As Master Hakuin says in Master Hakuin’s Chant in Praise of Zazen:* What is it we seek?* What is it we lack?* The cause of our suffering is ego delusion.I’m a workaholic because I’ve used work as a coping strategy for growing up in a dysfunctional home. From a very young age, I’ve felt compelled to leave.I was twelve, and I had no money. I realized that being financially dependent on my father kept me tied to him and tied to this miserable family dynamic.I started thinking two or three steps ahead from the very beginning, which gave me a great advantage.I’ve met more than a few trust fund babies with businesses that ...
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    12 mins
  • How You Break Up With Someone Says Everything About Your Character.
    Feb 24 2025
    I’ve noticed something I’ve never heard anyone talk about:When you break up with someone…How they react to rejection reflects who they are fundamentally.What do I mean?When you start dating someone, they have the maximum incentive to lie to you. The whole agenda is to keep your flaws under wraps for as long as possible.Hopefully, the other person will feel too invested in you by the time they figure out how much of a schmuck you are.Conversely, when you break up with someone, they have the least incentive to play nice and sweetly with you.How people react when you break up with them says a lot. Perhaps more than all of the late-night conversations ever could.When a person has no incentive to be kind to you, but they show you kindness anyway.That says a lot about a person.My ex-wife once told me she would be civil if we ever broke up.But when it came time for us to split up, she was the opposite of civil.Cruel. Bloodthirsty.She wasn’t just bitter—she was out for blood. Not content with the breakup, she wanted to destroy me.She constantly searched for new conflicts to incite and construe everything I did in some nefarious way. She tried to imply that I was stalking her.She went to court, claiming she needed a restraining order, fabricating a whole spectacle—when, in reality, she was still hoping I’d come back to her. I never looked back. Not even close.I moved two hours away to make sure the separation would stick.That girl wishes I was thinking about her so badly. Meanwhile, it’s babes everywhere.She was DELIGHTED when the judge sided with her and said that our house, which I’d put all my money into, wasn’t marital property.When she left my car unregistered for months without telling meI had to find out from the police who towed my car in the middle of the night, and I had to sleep at a roadside motel.She ran a giant smear campaign filled with lies and distortions.She enjoyed my downfall, like when she said she’d be happy if I got fired.Telling me my ex before her “was right about me.”Calling me Brian Laundrie…Calling me a pedophile.She always twisted the facts to fit her narrative.When you’re with someone who loves you, they don’t want you to know the side of them that is cruel, hurtful, and acrimonious. But that side of them, even if you have never seen it… If it’s there, it’s there.I’ve had the sobering experience on multiple occasions now of seeing a whole new side of a person come out only after the breakup, only after I stopped kissing their ass.It was sobering because I had no idea my exes possessed some of these traits while we were together.I find that so fascinating.It’s jarring to the point that I have to stop and tell myself if I knew this is what they were really like underneath it all, we would have broken up a long time ago.I had a similar experience with an ex who was all smiles and sweet like sugar while we were together, but the minute I broke up with her, she started treating me like a sworn enemy.She was always hostile when I saw her in public. She said terrible things about me…Even though she never complained while we were together.I could see in my saying hello that she was prepared to interpret anything I said as I tried to get her back. Even though I’d blocked her on every channel, including email, I never looked back.She expected that I would lock horns with her — when in reality, I went and became a Buddhist and sat in the zendo by myself for over a year—learning about compassion, forgiveness, and peace.One day, she loved me. The next, I was the villain in her story.The switch was instant—like a mask dropping.I wasn’t her ex. I was her enemy.That is one of the most baffling things ever. Being treated like public enemy number one.And, if I’m being sincere, I believe she stole something valuable from me. I don’t know precisely how or when, but my file folder with every document about my marriage went missing.It’s not something I would lose, and she’s the only person with access to it. She even once said to me ominously, “If you knew what I did, you wouldn’t want to be friendly with me.”This was a profoundly violating experience. I was depressed for a week.It tells me that what I thought was love could not have been. It couldn’t have been real if that person’s respect and goodwill for me could vanish in an instant like that. That type of treatment suggests that this person’s so-called love for me was entirely transactional and conditional to my performing a role. On me being who she wanted me to be. If my value, in your eyes, can vanish instantly like that, how could it have been real love?I broke up with you but shared much of my life with you. Things may not work out, and I may not even like how I was treated, but my desire to show that person goodwill and respect does not go away the minute they stop being my girlfriend.How are people like this?It’s as my therapist always says: most people are children ...
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    12 mins
  • I Spent Years Solving Other People’s Problems… Then I Got a Rude Awakening
    Feb 24 2025
    I just discovered another obvious truth that I hadn’t noticed.My various family members are always casually placing the weight of the world on my shoulders.I only recently registered that they’re constantly giving me new problems to solve, yet they’re never helpful when it’s time to meet my needs.It’s not all their fault. I have my part to play, too. Pathological giving is a coping strategy.It goes like this: I know I’m worthless, so you don’t have to invest. I’ll do all the work. I’ll focus on you. Whatever you need. I was trying to earn the right for them not to abandon me.There’s rarely reciprocity when people dump their problems on your lap and make them yours.Two Christmases ago, I was at a family function. I saw a cousin I hadn’t seen in 10 years.And the first thing out of her mouth to me was to fetch something for her like a lapdog.She wasn’t predisposed. She didn’t need my help.I was taken aback.I haven’t seen you in ten years, yet you still want me to fetch something like your errandboy like clockwork?What did this woman see in me growing up that she felt emboldened to treat me this way after a whole decade?I did not comply.Some people are looking for a savior.And I can assure you that those people are the ones who will scream the loudest that they’re independent and they don’t need anybody.Unspoken agreements in relationships are so powerfulThese are agreements not made with words but with ACTIONS.To date, I haven’t met a couple with zero unspoken agreements.Going into any new relationship, it’s so important, at all times, to know where you stop and the other person begins.If those boundaries are blurred.Now you’re enmeshed.They own you.There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to help people. The problem begins when you start enabling unhealthy behavior in them.Some people are VERY entitled.They don’t mind draining you until there’s nothing left.Some people don’t just demand saving.They insist on it.Ergo, they will not accept a relationship without having someone else take on the role of their savior.This subject fascinates me…Having experienced several highly unbalanced relationships before…I discovered this unhealthy dynamic could be the raison d’etre of the relationship itself…Without it, that relationship may suddenly fall apart, as it did in my case.Yet, I’ve seen the mental gymnastics people are willing to play to avoid looking at their own BS.That same person who wants to be saved sees themselves not as a damsel in distress… but the opposite.People who see codependency as the primary function of their relationship are usually very unwilling to see their motivations for what they are.Yet, on the flip side, perhaps there’s you.Why do you keep solving people’s problems?Your motivations may not be as innocent as you think.What you label as help…Maybe routed in an unhealthy desire for control.Or validation…Like you’re a martyr who nobly sacrifices themselves for the greater good of the relationship.Underneath all of the rationalizations and excuses, you may be telling yourself, I take care of your needs, you won’t abandon me.There may be a fear that if you stop carrying this load on your back, the other person won’t be there for you.And ironically, my experience had shown me that when push comes to shove…When I stopped being a caretaker to grown adults…I WAS abandoned.Dum dum dummmmm.And what if that happens to you? What if you decide that you’re returning all of the problems everyone else dumped on you to their rightful owner?What if they don’t take it well?Am I telling you to do something that may cause the whole relationship to fall apart?Well…The truth will set you free. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to know who is being sincere and who is selling you a lie.If you knew right now that the person you are bending over backward for, sacrificing yourself for… would return the favor by being completely disloyal to you…You might think twice about cleaning their s**t stains for another 25 years.Often, people come to you to solve their problems merely because they know you’ll do what they say. For many people around me, I was the most compliant person in their entire circle. They knew me well enough that I would say yes to almost any demand.This pattern can be challenging to break because you have no idea what it feels like to have someone show up for you.You may have been taking on the role of rescuer for so long that the thought of someone shining the spotlight on you and giving you all the attention could turn you off or even alarm you.People get what they tolerate.There’s your relationship.And then there’s you.You can’t be in a relationship without being firmly grounded in yourself.You might be in a dynamic resembling servitude more closely than a true healthy relationship.Your job is to show up for you.Not the other person.Often the unspoken agreement is, I’ll fix your problems ...
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    8 mins