Before I started studying trauma and neglect, I associated the word regulation with rules and laws. Now it means so much more. And this word may be confusing because at least to me, it has two related but quite distinct meanings:

One meaning corresponds to arousal, or nervous system activation, sometimes also referred to as affect regulation, to use the language of Allan Schore, my first teacher about it.

The second meaning is about relationship regulation, or in other words one of my favorite topics: rupture and repair. Both tend to be sorely absent when there is trauma and neglect. Especially early in life. I often think of both as the "ground zero of development."

That is our topic for today's video, although it is a very rudimentary Introduction.

My recent injury has been a humbling reminder about regulation's traumatic counterpart: dysregulation. When runaway emotion from another time and place take over. Even after years of good trauma work! The best antidote of course, is safe, supportive attachments, with which I am now blessed! What a teacher this has all been!

A favorite old song I love describes Cuba and Puerto Rico as two wings of the same bird, I think of the two meanings of regulation that way.

This episode of All About Nothing is a visit into a chapter of my past. We touch on the intergenerational transmission of trauma, and how my internalization of my father's trauma became a drive to prove my "worthiness" through martyrdom; a look at the island of Cuba as an icon of self-reliance, much like our quintessential child of neglect; and a reflection on how unsafety can keep us stuck in ways that may sustain harm and isolation.

Thanks for joining us.

All Best Wishes of the Season, and a fervent hope for peace in this sorry world!

What do you get when you cross a person hyper-focused on the feelings, needs and reactions of the other, with a person completely isolated and alone and in their own solitary world?

"A one-person psychology."

In this episode we explore this often misunderstood characteristic of many a survivor of childhood neglect.

Welcome to episode 3 of All About Nothing, our bi-weekly podcast series. Today, amidst storms of feeling on the heels of the recent US presidential election, we anticipate the upcoming national holiday of Thanksgiving, by visiting the complex world of giving, receiving, and gratitude, all fraught for the child of neglect.

Thank you all for joining me in contemplating difficult topics, and changing my world.

When I began studying neglect and looking for patterns to recognize it, one of the first that jumped out at me, is what I came to call “the Three P’s of Neglect.” They are: passivity, procrastination and paralysis. The three P's became a “dead giveaway” in recognizing a child of neglect.

The child of neglect has a very difficult time initiating, following through and completing tasks, especially in the interpersonal. Often they (or impatient parents, partners or others) interpret these attentional type issues as “the problem,” when they can point to “nothing” else. We touch on these topics in this week’s episode.

In this episode we will explore the complex subject of forgiveness, inspired by the Yom Kippur holiday and also by the many feelings stirred in me by tragic testimonials from both sides that I heard seemingly endlessly on October 7th. So much unbearable trauma. How do people move on?

My experience of forgiving my father was one of the most profound experiences of my life, and I also know that forgiveness is not for everyone or every kind of injury. Not everyone is forgivable, or worthy/safe to forgive.

Self-forgiveness however is imperative, and is finding a way to live with ourselves after doing or feeling responsible for something destructive or painful. This will be a first look at what is a very big and to me very important topic.