Note: This post was originally published on Audible.com
Joe Goldberg, the main character and narrator of Caroline Kepnes’s best-selling You series, is despicable. And yet, whether you first encountered him via Santino Fontana’s skin-crawlingly flawless narration or Penn Badgley’s persuasive portrayal in Netflix’s hit TV adaptation, he always elicits an extraordinary performance. From page to screen, Joe is one of the most damaged characters to induce serious binge-listening and watching in 21st-century popular culture.
How does Joe do what he does and seemingly get away with it? For one, he’s very smart, and extremely crafty. His machinations will keep you engrossed and might affect your blood pressure—check it the next time you’re listening. Joe thinks the unthinkable, and no one around him has a clue. He’s the smoothest operator of them all—charming, devious, and a superb romanticist. It’s safe to say that with Joe, Caroline Kepnes has created a monster-piece. Here are 30 quotes that could only come straight out of Joe’s mouth.
Joe’s Sweet Nothings
1. “You are a woman and I am a man and we belong in the dark together.” —You
2. “Your lips were made for mine, Beck. You are the reason I have a mouth, a heart.” —You
3. “I am a wounded soldier of Love home from WWIII.” —You Love Me
4. “You blush. You are Charlotte’s Web and I could love you.” —You
5. “Talking to you is like traveling through time.” —You
6. “Night moves don't work in the morning.” —You
7. “I love you because onions are more complicated than cherries. I’m doomed.” —You
8. “We are both on a journey and we are both in love and that's all anyone can hope for in life.” —Hidden Bodies
9. “An extraordinary girl can’t have an ordinary life. Don’t judge yourself. Love yourself.” —You
10. "If we were teenagers..."
Life According to Joe
11. “The only thing crueler than a cage so small that a bird can’t fly is a cage so large that a bird thinks it can fly. Only a monster would lock a bird in here and call himself an animal lover.” —You
12. “When you’re with the right person, you do the right thing and I was smart to let you go home.” —You Love Me
13. “Rejection is a dish best served in a paper envelope because then at least you can tear it up or burn it.” —You
14. "People are so lonely, they spend their birthdays on the Internet..."
15. “What’s the only thing more sexless than lunch? Brunch, a meal invented by rich white chicks to rationalize day drinking and bingeing on French toast.” —You
16. “You can tell when something is right because most things are just plain wrong.” —You
17. “There is no such thing as a one-night stand. Sometimes, what you do for one night destroys your future.”—Hidden Bodies
18. “It is possible to know people. They show you who they are. You just have to be looking.” —Hidden Bodies
19. “Some people on this earth receive love, get married, and honeymoon in Cabo. Others do not. Some people read alone on the sofa and some people read together, in bed. That’s life.” —You
20. “Most people wouldn’t like their friends if they got into their phones.” —You Love Me
Bon Mots from Joe
21. “The problem with books is that they end.” —You
22. “The best prison reads are beach reads.” —You Love Me
23. “Remember: That voice in your head that says you can’t do it is a liar.” —You Love Me
24. “You like words and I know words.” —You
25. “There's nothing more annoying than good advice from someone who makes a lot of bad decisions.” —You Love Me
26. “It's not the past if it's not finished.” —Hidden Bodies
27. “Happiness is believing that you're gonna be happy. It's hope.” —You
28. "Married, buried."
29. “All of life is slightly dependent on magic. So is death.” —Hidden Bodies
30. “Consciousness is the monster and it wins.” —Hidden Bodies
