Perhaps you’d like to know our official history. This information is classified. Please refrain from your current activities under penalty of law.

Remote Station Seven would like to confirm that the recent reports of recent reports of lights in the night sky were incorrect. The night sky remains shrouded for your protection and lights remain forbidden. We urge you to stay indoors.

Ever feel like someone is listening in on your private thoughts? Don’t be foolish. You have no private thoughts.

It’s time for the Remote Station Seven cutest pet contest. Listeners are encouraged to send in photos of their pet doing something adorable, along with its registration identification number and official electronic implant status.

Remote Station Seven is dedicated to serving its listening community, and can better serve you if you submit a document with your name, address, and whatever grievances you have with the appropriate authorities. This information will not be used for any purpose that need concern you.

The Remote Station Seven staff curling team is fundraising again. When designated collection agents appear at your door, do not be alarmed. Please remember to surrender your unregistered electronic devices. And have a nice day.

Any resemblance between Remote Station Seven transmissions and the sounds in your own head are purely coincidental, and no such official experiments exist that could possibly make this a reality.

Had radio problems? Attempted to fix the problem on your own? Found a mysterious device lodged within your radio? This is all in your head. It never happened.