NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE

Words + Music by Geordie McElroy

Part Two

***

Portia hosted at Koopman’s cafe

A rich, aggressive bunch

Muffy Von Klump and Luz De La Cruz

These the ladies who lunch

“Delish! This dish… simply divine!”

“Bold boreal terroir!”

Caribou tartare, pine resin wine

Chowing down reindeer raw

“Tell me where you found your Santa”

“The line is out the door”

“Parents love him, kids terrified”

“And they keep coming back for more”

“Oh him? He’s Koopman’s special sauce

Says his name is Ruprecht”

“Your glass snow globe is filled with dough”

“The man commands respect”

A parent lugged her screaming child

Ruprecht hushed in his ear

Then youngin’ turned a sickly shade

Silent, quaking with fear

“Mercedes, won’t you see to Alfonso

Luz’s newly adopted son

Fresh from Mali? Or was it Malawi?

Some dump from whence he comes?”

“Go take him to Christmas Village

To sit on Ruprecht’s lap”

Mercedes cried: “That’s not Santa Claus

He doesn’t wear a patch”

Portia feigned shame before the gals

“Mercedes don’t talk back

Alfonso doesn’t know any better…

…Santa is handicapped”

I always wanted to adopt

Open my heart and home

I’ve got that idiot Izzy

Won’t move out, full grown”

“Oh yes…” said Muffy, “…Isidore

We caught his performance

A shame he soiled your parade

And lost those endorsements”

Luz pointed to the globe and said:

“Charity has two forms

The kind l have for Alfono

The other type performs”

***

Dunn stewed in silent apartment

Countless beer cans crushed

A Christmas tree 13 years dead

Ornaments cloaked in dust

He stared at Portia Koopman’s name

And cleaned his .22

Perused surveillance photographs

Silencer clockwise screwed

Dunn studied the plans for the store

Swigged down Peppermint Schnapps

No sense in procrastination

When assassins are cops

Dunn got a call from foot patrol

The North Star life raft found

In a sewer deep beneath city streets

In Koopman’s part of town

Dunn saddled up and slugged down rum

One-forty proof cologne

Heading down to Portia’s store

Kill two birds with one stone

***

Izzy hung out in the warehouse

These were his type of folk

Honest work from sweat of the brow

Clearly thought him...