This week, Brianne is a reluctant snake advocate, the Reuben finally gets the exit it deserved all along, Melanie is bringing a delicious and trustworthy muffuletta, the US Military is roughly the size of a barge, Rock Lobster breaks down walls, and Subaru execs buy gay yachts.

Content warnings: snakes, homophobia ranging from subtle to murderous, homophobic slurs, beating deaths, 35:00-41:25 and 50:20-52:30 have particularly graphic descriptions of violence and resulting injuries, 54:00-56:00 discusses rape and resulting suicide.

This week, the US military's anti-gay methods always backfire, a researcher wants a do-over, lead paint poisoned papaws are too emboldened, Alfred Kinsey and Joe Exotic appear in the same sentence, and the government loves to watch. Thank you for your patience with some uneven audio this week!

Content warnings: comparisons between homosexuality and incest/rape, brief recap of topics covered in previous episodes, PTSD, military service, mention of sexual assault, forced psychiatric confinement, involuntary outing, burning death, mistreatment of remains, homophobia, graphic discussion of lobotomies, medical torture, sexual solicitation and murder of children (brief and not graphic), graphic and painful murder of gay man by cops, riots/uprisings, police brutality.

This week, Oprah is wrong, Brianne drives the horse, Madison's grandma loves Jurassic Park, Lisa delivers the funeral kidnapping tea, Meagan's Grammy has a tramp stamp, Taylor has the best wedding gift, Serena is her granddad's favorite but not a limo driver's, Kaitlyn has a funeral crasher, Brianne keeps a list of Melanie's enemies, Sarah pours one (Dr. Pepper) out for a lost loved one, Bea makes an unpleasant discovery, Melanie is employed by Philip Morris, Riley's grandmother can't avoid the golf ball forever, a shitty uncle hires some muscle, Allison needs some gloves, Ann is not marked safe from her sister, Michelle's aunt passes Brianne's vibe check, and we all raise a glass of whatever we drink to the patron saint of Marked Safe - Aunt Vada.

Discussion of various forms of death and grief throughout, implied mention of CSA, discussion of sexual harassment in Disaster Relief.

Donations to the Arkansas Nurses Honor Guard in Aunt Vada's honor can be made at the bottom of this page or mailed to Arkansas Nurses Honor Guard P.O. Box 112 Imboden, Arkansas 72434.

This week, we're concerned this episode may curse you, Cody does it wild, Melanie is committed to the bit, Brianne twirls her mustache, and we continue our magical journey through Supreme Court hearings, an inventor's lab, an old-timey lesbian nightclub supposedly funded by a ring of hot rich butches, bedroom chambers with rose-printed wallpaper, a Navy YMCA, and the White House.

Content warnings: death of parent in front of child, brain bleed, racial and homophobic slurs, racism, police and military action against LGBTQ+ people, conversion therapy, castration, brief mention of death at Auschwitz at 41:50, vague discussion of childhood abuse and parental alcoholism, extreme and oppressive homophobia throughout episode.

This week, Melanie settles for a blowie, Cody delivers a merely passable Tijuana hot dog, and we time travel to Colonial America, a Revolutionary War battlefield getting Queer Eyed by a Virgo, a gay shame parade, a Gold Rush-era gay B&B, the chambers of a US president whose attempts at wooing several gentleman have failed, a Civil War hospital, and a romantic streetcar on a stormy night.

Content warnings: brief mention of vomit, homophobic slurs, Native genocide/colonization, execution for homosexuality, whipping, banishment, possible/speculated rape, religious abuse, brief mention of drowning death of child around 22:50, bestiality, death penalty for animals, castration, mutilation, suicide following spouse's death 44:40-45:20, passing mention of necrophilia, incest, and sexual torture. None are discussed in extensive or graphic detail.

This week, Melanie gets all of you naked for an announcement, we may have found the ultimate meeting spot, Brianne and Abby don't really want to dive in, we compromise on haunted dolls, Brianne is unperturbed by horrifying quantities of pterodactyl-sized bats, Melanie receives a permit to take liberties with the French language, we get interrupted by a very on-theme daddy short-legs, and scales on sheetrock make terrible white noise for bedtime.

Content warnings: intense descriptions of infestations (bats, fire ants, and snakes).

This week, we hear from Captain Steeeve, Mel Anie doesn't get it, Brianne implores you to consider a radish, we raw dog the sandwich bracket, petting zoo rules come into play, and prankster papaws pair perfectly with old women with secrets.

Content warnings: switched at birth, painful reunifications.

This week, Melanie curates a perfectly-Melanie date night experience, Brianne threatens the integrity of the bracket, Fuckboy Frederick sees an opening, a tall flower cannot be denounced, and DNA is just like one of many games.

Content warnings: alcohol, orphanage life, mild discussion of traumatic labor and delivery, surprising DNA test results.