During the Covid-19 lockdown, we started getting together on Zoom to improvise. Here are some stories we told. Music: Creepy — Bensound.com. Walking home, Phillip observed children playing on the swing. He pushed them off. Mark put a wimple on and started singing like he was Sister Act. Morning had broken in South Sussex. The animals were awake and violent. Opening his present, Timothy discovered something surprising. It was his own head inside. Heating my house takes many slaves. They burn coal and sometimes, burn themselves. Susie put gin in everything, including her mother's tea. Rest in peace. And now some slightly longer stories. David rode his bicycle to work. It had a bright, shiny bell and a light that he could use when it was dark. One day it developed a puncture and stopping by the side of the road to fix the puncture, he was run over by a car. The ambulance came quickly and whisked him off to the emergency department of the local hospital. The doctors patched him up as best they could and although he was to walk with a limp for the rest of his life, he was more or less all right. The only problem was he needed to top up his pressure every day. The end. Mabel had always wanted to keep chickens. One day, she went to a garden center and got some. Unfortunately her husband had other ideas of the best thing to do with them. One by one her chickens started to go missing. When she questioned him about it, he looked at her with flashing eyes. "Don't worry about the chickens," he would say. The satanic rituals he performed each night made him more and more powerful until one day he became Prime Minister. Unfortunately by then he had run out of chickens, so he only stayed Prime Minister for about 15 days. The end. Waking one morning, Jeremy opened his eyes. In front of him was a gorgeous sight. The woman he loved had climbed through his window in the night. Climbing the rough exterior walls of the tower had given her cuts and scrapes on her body. However, he didn't care. She looked amazing to him. She however was shocked and appalled when she woke up to discover herself in his bedroom, covered in bruises and scratches that she had no memory of getting. "What the fuck did you do to me?" She reached for her mobile phone, which fortunately she had thought to bring with her. Jeremy now languishes in prison. His beloved does not want to have anything to do with him. But she still sleep walks every night. The end. Delia Smith wanted to boil an egg. First of course, she had to find the perfect pan. Fortunately, Delia's kitchen is huge and it has every type of pan conceivable, extremely well-filed. Her first thought was that she wanted a very small pan, almost exactly the size of the egg. So she went to the very small pans section, that is first organised by diameter and then by depth. And she found herself one, which she believed would be about exactly the size of a regular farm egg. Well, when she put the egg into it and filled the pan with water, she became bothered by a particular detail that she hadn't thought of. Because the pan was such a similar shape to the egg, it wasn't able to sit on its side properly once the water was in. Next, she thought, maybe what she needed was an enormous pan, and then some kind of gantry to hold the egg in the exact centre. She took a golf buggy to the other end of her kitchen and went to the large pans and picked out more or less a cauldron. Placing it on the back of the buggy, she then went off to her bits and bobs cupboard and found something that she could use as a gantry that had originally been intended for cubing beetroots. Returning to the the main cooking area, she assembled the contraption and placed an egg within it. And then she went to fill up the cauldron with water. But, quelle dommage! she had failed to take something very important into account. The time that it takes to boil water increases exponentially with the volume. When she quickly calculated how long it would take to boil this egg, it would take the regular amount of time to cook it, but nearly an entire lifetime to heat the water. And her husband was in bed waiting for his breakfast right that moment. She decided to start a health craze for eating raw eggs. The end. "Come into my office", Roger said to the new recruit. "I have a job for you. And you must tell none of the others what I'm about to say. I want you to take this envelope and put it through a certain letter box." And he provided the details of the letterbox: the number, how far above the ground it was, the street address and so forth. The new recruit, slightly mystified by the instruction, was an obedient and hardworking lad called Peter Purse. And so, following the instructions that he'd been given to the letter, Peter took the envelope and set out to find the letter box. He walked, following a street map until he found the building. He managed to gain entrance to the lobby. He realised that the postboxes inside ...
