This week we are rounding third and talking about episode thirteen of Firefly, “Heart of Gold,” and boy is it a weird one. We’re visiting yet another desert locale in space, but this one has a brothel covered in tin foil, run by former companion, Nandi; and a local land owner, Rance Burgess, who must have seen Road House at some point (J.C. Penney is coming here, because of me!). Rance shows up at the brothel looking for one of Nandi’s employees Petaline. Petaline is pregnant and Rance is determined to prove the baby is his. Nandi video calls Inara, asking for help (much like when Dalton called in Wade Garrett for back up when dealing with Brad Wesley). Inara volunteers the Serenity crew and since they have nothing else lined up, they agree. When they get to The Chicken Ranch, Jayne makes a beeline for the girls, Shepherd tries to make a sandwich, Kaylee asks Wash to tell her she’s pretty, and Simon (with River in tow) goes to examine Petaline. Nandi explains the situation to Mal, Zoe, and Inara—that Rance keeps the people in the town poor, so he can live out his Road House fantasy. Later, Mal and Inara meet Rance at a local theater (and if we weren’t already clear on how Rance views women, this part helps clarify: he hates them). Mal and Inara leave, and Mal realizing Rance is a monster tells Inara that everyone should pack up and leave this hellhole. Rance gets a call from Maury saying “YOU ARE THE FATHER.” Nandi can’t be convinced to leave and Mal in a moment of ‘stupid recognizes stupid’ agrees to stay and help fight. The main bullet points after this are: Zoe tells Wash it’s time to start trying for a baby; Mal sleeps with Nandi; Inara cries when she finds out; River doesn’t know where babies come from; and we meet a winner of the local Lacey Chabert look-alike contest. We end on a bit of a cliffhanger, which neither of us are sure will even be mentioned in the fourteenth and final episode.

Plus, George and Meaghan workshop their Firefly spinoff about Shepherd Book; George regales us with the trials and tribulations of getting the best burger in NYC; and by the end of the episode, Meaghan can’t stop laughing.

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