I wanted to end this year on a bittersweet note, while ending on the number thirteen for a valid reason. I have a book coming out next year called “It All Fell Down” thirteen chapters total. The age I turned when I had to go through the worst nightmare of my life and how I survived. How years later I was brave enough to share my story, while helping others. Here in a couple weeks I will be having my tonsils removed. I have lost the majority of my voice and my voice sounds completely different. I’ve had a sore throat for months but it’s gotten to the point where it hurts to swallow, eat or talk. I will return next year with new material, but this will be the last podcast I will share this year. I have to give my throat a rest. Who’s gonna know me? Is knowing even after this surgery everything will be different, I’m not looking recovering because the last surgery I had which was this past April I threw up all four weeks and was very sick. I have Fibromyalgia and like I mentioned earlier my body stores pain instead of releasing it. My body store the pain from surgery so weeks later I was uncomfortable. I never hated nothing in my life expect for recovery. Also my tonsils have caused me to become very sick to where I have to use an inhaler to breathe. The infections that are reoccurring every week has put pressure on my chest. I have condition that mimics a heart attack but it’s not a heart attack. It’s very painful and not fun. Being put into the category of chronic respiratory infection sucks, but until my tonsils are removed I will continue to get sick. The first symptom your tonsils are going bad is having ear infections, middle ear infections. This is another issue within itself because I risk losing my hearing from all the ear infections I’ve had over the last four months. Thankfully my hearing test came back and I didn’t lose my hearing but I still run that risk. The cycle starts with an ear infection in one ear or both, then it turns into strep throat or now a chronic respiratory infection then the cycle repeats. I have one week where I’m okay, then pressure starts in both ears and I can’t pop my ears which also sucks. It starts off as pressure, to ear infections to strep throat or chronic respiratory infection. This started back in July to now, and it continues to get worse with each cycle. I am very thankful for the support, I would do more podcasts but it’s too painful to speak. I hope you understand but I can’t wait until next year!

What you do to others will stay with them, you can’t take back what you did. You can pretend and act like nothing happened or it’s not a big deal but that’s when the term modern idiot comes in. You think it’s okay to treat people like trash and nothing will happen to you. You think you are above the law and your actions have no consequences. You never think maybe your the problem or how will that situation effect them? You still hold a grudge til this very day for something you did. You caused this, no one else did. It’s time to take credibility and owe up to your mistakes but we know that will never happen. You will reap what you sow, it may not be today but eventually you will.

I look at my podcasts and books as diaries. Lights, Camera and smile is looking okay on the outside when really on the inside you are in million pieces. You are helpless in situations you can’t control, you know some situations won’t end in a good note. It’s like an algebra equation that will never be solved, even if it was solved it would never make sense how the conclusion came to be. You can stare at the piece of paper of the equation you just solved but still won’t make sense. You can add, subtract, divide or multiplied the situation but it will still come to same conclusion of how did this happen or why did this happen?

Many ask how can l do multiple things and have time to rest. I have always been that way. When life gets stressful or I’m going through too much I do multiple things to keep my mind busy. My dad has kidney failure, my brother has a rare lung disease and I have been battling my health on top of all that, while going to school to get my bachelors degree in Logistics. Working on my book and podcast is my way of copping with stress. I can’t afford to get stressed because then I get sick. Stress, Fibromyalgia, CentralPain Syndrome don’t mix. It’s a recipe of horrible flare ups that are waiting to happen. So productive is my version of therapy and how I cope with life.

Been writing since I was five, it’s one of the very things plus music that I had to get through difficult times. No one understood why I like being alone and working alone. Either someone try to use me to get a better grade or to set up a situation for me to fail, but only led to them losing their job and credibility. You can’t set someone up who sees through your bullshit to only call you out for it. This was never a win but a lesson to teach them that you should have never messed with me in the first place. Just like the number Pi it will never end it will only repeat, like these individuals who will continue to repeat their mistakes instead learning from them. You can’t blame the hand who tried to help you. The only person you can blame is yourself. It’s an art knowing I worked on my craft. Even though I had the highest GPA, it was something I never flaunted, but many targeted me for it. If you put the work in then you get positive results. If you don’t put the work in then you get negative results.

When people who knew did you wrong and they still keep showing up, because they feel guilty. Not only did you block these individuals but you avoid them at all costs and somehow they still manage to run into you. There is a reason for this. With a broken heart you are not only healed from what they did to you. It goes way beyond betrayal but also disrespect. You keep moving forward but it won’t change anytime soon to forgive them. You will forgive eventually but not right now.

These people raise you; to cage you. To rise above it, the one thing I wanted. The modern idiot will never understand the situation. The light pink sky is a reminder of how far you have come. Never knowing the back story or the origins of where the individual came from, but assuming they are a certain way just shows how many people don’t do their research or care. Spreading false rumors or misinformation also shows that sites or organizations or people you got it from isn’t accurate either. The issue is many spreading misinformation before realizing what they are sharing isn’t the truth. People are comfortable with the old version of you who tolerated it, but now they are scared of you.

Dealing with Fibromyalgia and Central Pain Syndrome (CPS), the pain is beyond a pain scale. It’s not between one or ten, it’s more like a thirty. Everyone wonders how I deal with it, I have no choice but to deal with it. I didn’t ask for this, but it’s the consequences I get from surviving abuse. Surviving the worst nightmare of life to deal with this for the rest of my life. My body no longer knows how to manage pain, it will always be excruciating. I’m the problem, it will always me because no one will ever understand the battle I deal with each day. My body stores pain instead of releasing it, each flare up is the pain my body stored.