Zach Tidwell enlisted in the Marine Corps wanting to go to war — and missed it. What followed was an affair, a traumatic brain injury, and a depression he refused to talk about, convinced he could just decide his way through it the same way he'd decided his way through infantry training. In March 2019, that ended with a suicide attempt that left him blind and partially deaf. In this conversation, Zach walks through all of it: the attempt itself, waking up in the hospital, a second wave of depression a year later that he handled differently, a two-and-a-half-year battle with alcoholism, a diagnosis of Huntington's disease, and how he's since built a life that includes jiu-jitsu, competitive marksmanship, a software company, and a memoir. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or reach the Veterans Crisis Line at 988, press 1. This is Episode 1 of Still Here, a five-part series produced in partnership with Wounded Warrior Project for Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Episode 2 — Lindsey Gray, WWP's Suicide Prevention Manager, on the brain science behind these choices — drops next week. Chapters: 0:00 Cold open & content warning 1:35 Welcome, and blindness's hidden challenge: no sleep 2:36 Marine infantry life, and deployments that missed the war 5:05 A shared frustration: Scott's own near-miss with combat 7:40 The unraveling: infidelity, a TBI, and refusing to ask for help 13:41 The night of the attempt 16:48 No warning signs, and the gap between decision and execution 19:11 Waking up blind: hospital, hallucinations, and the diagnosis 22:57 Still a marksman: shooting steel at 1,000 yards, blind 25:49 Choosing to stay alive: "it takes a bullet to clear your head" 28:58 The second collapse: depression returns in 2020 32:58 Rebuilding trust with his parents 35:22 Years of turmoil: discrimination, alcoholism, and a Huntington's diagnosis 38:44 Coming back: teaching himself to code, building a business 42:58 Community, isolation, and finding jiu-jitsu 48:52 Family history of suicide and the "gear" mentality 51:13 The warning sign to watch for 52:49 Looking back with empathy 54:41 Living on a clock: what's next 57:38 Closing thoughts 58:19 Next week: breaking down the science Learn more about Wounded Warrior Project: woundedwarriorproject.org Hear more from Zach on his own podcast, Going In Blind: https://www.youtube.com/@ZachCTidwell This episode is brought to you by Grayzone Advisory. At the Water's Edge is hosted by Scott Kelly. Follow for weekly conversations on national security, geopolitics, and the people who serve.
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30 mins