Growing up, I was bombarded with the message that I was supposed to do what I was told…Bow to authority.From watching my mother stay in a relationship long past its expiration date.From watching her complain endlessly about him without seemingly doing anything about it.From living in a home with a tyrannical father. That oppressive energy left its mark.I never received the required love and validation to become a healthy adult. Bad role models surrounded me. There are so many reasons I could explain how I became this way. I could spend all day just itemizing all of that.Long story short, I was raised to become a doormat.I Call This Version of Myself The ChauffeurThis was because I was reduced to becoming my ex-wife’s chauffeur for many years. I had to become very used to a certain kind of oppression to feel at home in it for so many years.It’s so funny. After I broke up with her, my ex acted like she tried to salvage our relationship. That’s certainly not what I saw. I saw a person with an addiction who felt threatened that someone was going to take away her favorite drug — control. My ex could not function without a truly extreme amount of control over the people around her.There were reasons why I went along with it. Trying to peel back all of the layers to explain my dysfunctional relationship is complex. The whole dynamic was so absurd. And my ex-wife refused to respect my version of reality, so there wasn’t much I could do about her.For my whole life, I have always had low self-esteem. I see it so much more clearly now. I was so comfortable playing the supporting role. I was so comfortable giving and giving. And so uncomfortable receiving.Being the chauffeur was a massive insight that I gained in therapy. It truly changed the game. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. I looked at my entire life through this chauffeur lens. There was chauffeuring in everything in my life.I took on a career as a freelance copywriter. It’s taken me many years to feel deserving of a decent income. You’re willing to work for peanuts and false promises when you believe you’re nothing. My entire business model hinged on me playing a supporting role for other people’s businesses. And, in that dynamic, the client was like God. They had all the power. All the control.In the early days, I jumped through so many hoops for my clients that it was ridiculous. I could spend hours painting this dynamic. I’m thinking about one 3 a.m. call I once had with Neil Patel. Yikes. Indeed, I was willing to compromise my values for a buck at a moment’s notice.Why on earth would somebody even ask for a call at that hour? More importantly, why would I agree?I Grew Up in an Unfair HouseholdMy father controlled us like puppets, and there were severe consequences for stepping out of line. Meanwhile, he got away with murder.Remarkably, the brain can be attracted to the familiar. Never forget that. Let’s say you grew up in a loveless environment. In a place where people invalidated your feelings constantly…Twenty-five years later, I’m still turning my nose up at anybody who likes me, but the person who doesn’t like me—the emotionally unavailable one. The ones who won’t give me their approval — they’re the ones I want.I don’t even realize that those are the people I’m obsessing over. But I’m blind to all of the secure, healthy people. They’re not even on my radar.I think about the girl I dated most recently and a new love interest I have. I wonder what kind of man I must be to attract these healthy, beautiful, successful women… That person is so far from the person I’ve been all my life. I have been repelled by people with those healthy traits all these years.It’s wild.Sometimes, I think… I can’t believe I’ve pursued women’s approval my whole life. Like… I told this girl I have a “friends first” dating policy. And her eyes lit up. I’d never put up a boundary like that. Not ever?I’ve always wanted to pursue intimacy as fast as possible. There was no stopping to evaluate. There was no selectivity whatsoever. Even wondering if someone else likes you is a bridge too far. It’s backward. It’s always about how you feel about them.NEVER let a person define youNever let them say they know what you’re thinking or feeling. Run. Nobody has the right to represent you. This is a significant boundary violation, and it’s also catastrophic for your mental health and well-being.I’m re-reading Controlling People by Patricia Evans right now. And, funny enough, this isn’t the first issue I would think to discuss when talking about a controlling person… But for the expert, this is it.This is the defining trait of all controlling people. Defining someone says, “I know what you’re thinking better than you.” Or, “I know what you’re feeling better than you.”Going along with this dynamic means gradually surrendering your identity to the other person. This is how you wake up one ...
